Sleepless!

Do we think it's got anything to do with the fact that I had 2 can's of red bull this afternoon... Hmmm, could be. It's coming up to 3am & every ounce of my mind & body is screaming "GO TO SLEEP" but, well, I've been lying here for 40min & sleep hasn't yet come to me. I'm tired too :(

Might surf the net & catch up on emails... Have I mentioned I love the fact that I can do this form bed! :o)

Sat 30th October 2004, 2.56am

All by myself... (what's that song?)

I feel like writing a email to my ex, saying something along the lines of: "Well, you go & check out all of my travel photos, obviously read my blog (the trip one of course) but can't send me a dam email to wish me happy birthday... What the hell's with that?" Just checked my ofoto guest book & he's just been in & had a look, again. It doesn't really bother me that much they know what I'm up to, if it did I'd send them a email & ask them not to look anymore, I just think it's rude that he didn't wish me Happy B'day.

Umm what else. Wasn't a happy camper today, was in a great mood when I got to work, then my mood turned to crap, then I snapped out of it with the aid of 2 red bulls. Really, who wants to be a girl? I soooo hate "this time of the month".

I'm feeling a bit lonely at the mo. I haven't really heard form anyone (I've met traveling) in a little while - admittedly its my own fault, I haven't responded to txt messages or emails cause I've been caught up in the soap Oprah that's going on around me, which I'm not even going to bother going into right now. Was thinking today I should have left here when I had the chance. But then again I'm the first to admit that at present I'm not thinking rationally or logically & I'll be happy again in a few days - once again I hate this time of the month. I won't even go into the whole bloated stomach or pimple thing ;o)

Before I go exciting things... The other day I took my break between 3pm & 4.30pm (this in its self is exciting!) & went to some op shops (second hand shops) & I found this cool red coat that has a black fake fur collar. Sounds cheesy, probably is but I liked it so I brought it. Think it's wool, 3/4 length & double breasted with 4 buttons. Think it's the brightest thing I've ever owned. Bargain for only 7pounds. Oh & I brought a handbag too - 1pound! :o) On a different day I also went shopping (please note, unless I write what I do in here all days blur into one so I find it very hard to remember which day is which) & brought a cool tongue stud which has a flat smiley on the bottom & the normal silver ball on the top. So now I can go round showing people the smiley face on my the bottom of my tongue - What a bloody attention seeker!!!! Oh & I got a new sparkly belly thing too :)


Once again sleep time, Soap Oprah Central, Early hours of Saturday morning 30th October 2004 1.40am

I'm drunk...

& aren't really typing that well... But anyway felt like writing a few words. Tonight was cool! We had a live band play at work - Ola. He played at David Beckhams wedding & is pretty bloody fantastic. We have to stop serving at 11pm - shit I really can't type, keep having to press back space - anyway it was great the first real dance I've had since I got here. So miss clubbing. As soon as it hit 11pm I snuck in a double vodka & pineapple juice - YUM is the only way to describe it! Then went & had a dance with a couple of the girls. The drum player in the band was HOT! Couldn't be bothered trying though.

Funny, I'd expected to hear form Joel today, don't know why but I haven't.

After we finished clean up I had another double vodka & pineapple so I'm a little drunk... Haven't eaten dinner so that would explain a few things...

Well need to get to sleep, don't know how I'm going to wake up tomorrow, left my phone at work - STUPID! It's my alarm clock too... Oh well such is life.

Night Night, hugs & kisses 1.o9am

Funky ass mood.

Want to post but are to tired. Am in a crap mood. Want to scream. Feel like crying. Can't be bothered with anything or anyone. Just ate chocolate cake thing AND Icecream. Must be PMSing....

PLUS, once again ex's girlfriend was the FIRST one to check out the photos I posted on my trip page....

Eve, spunk, sorry haven't emailed will try 2 tomorrow. xoxo

Bloody late, 12.30am-ish

Got to be crazy...

The girl I work with. Don't know why but we just don't click. It's strange, I usually get on with most people. But her... I just can't work it out, I know she's got a problem with me but I don't know why. Anyway, she worked both Tuesday & Thursday nights last week which we're supposed to have off. I was going to work Thursday night but was sick so didn't. Anyway, they arranged for her to have tonight off & as we were leaving Saturday night the boss told her to take Monday lunch off as well - my response would be "cool, 2 days off in a row - Amazing". I turn up for work today & guess who's there...

It was so nice at work tonight. One of the casuals was in & it was so relaxed & stress free. Wasn't busy at all so it was nice to have someone to talk to & joke around with. Even little things like sharing the orders, working as a team, one of us would serve the drinks the other would work the till no problem. I usually just stay out of the way of my other co worker when it's not busy. I feel like there's some sort of competition hanging in the air with her & honestly, I can't be bothered to compete. She's won I don't care. It's a shame cause she is actually really nice.

Haven't emailed Joel yet. Not sure what to say. Sure I'll figure it out.

Haven't had any text's for a few days & got one form Eve tonight. Thanks hun, love hearing from you! Have I mentioned that I love the fact that some of my friends have online diary's. Even though I'm a million miles away I still feel like I'm in touch with their everyday lives. It help keeps me sane :D

Last night I would have loved to stay home & curl up on the sofa & watch DVD's but it was just not meant to be. The bosses wife (now to be know as TBW) needs to get out & start having a life of her own. While we get on she's still the boss & I'm still the employee so it's a bit hard to blur the lines. She's quite a hard person to get to know & keeps on a brave face most of the time. In order for her to go out & have fun a buffer is required so that her husband realizes that she's out with a group of friends & not running off to have a affair, which is ridiculous cause she's not. So I am the buffer... I don't really mind. She's slowly starting to reclaim her life, it's just a shame it's so hard for her. Last night we were out for a total of 3 hours. When she checked her phone just before we left she had 6 missed calls & had to answer to "you've got a husband & 3 children (15, 15 & 17!) at home to worry about". The things people say & do... I could write for ever on this but I don't have the energy.

I'm actually quite surprised. I thought all of this would be pressing my buttons but it hasn't been. I think it's safe to say that I'm well & truly over my marriage. I've forgiven him & I've forgiven myself. I think there is still a bit of sadness there & I hope it always is. Marriage isn't something to be entered into lightly & BTW it's not normal to have doubts!

In saying all of that though I am feeling quite drained at the moment but that could just be because I've been sick & are still getting over it.

need sleep. Will post some more photos on my trip page tomorrow.

I'm in bed, England, Tuesday 26th October 2004, 1.12am

Do I play the game...

GUESS WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????????

I got a email, I got a email...

YES! From Joel!

After receiving the email I ran down stairs (I really love this whole wireless network thing so I can sit in bed with my laptop on the net, it's fantastic!) I then proceeded to jump up & down, as all 28year olds with the mental age of 5 would do & told Simon that I'd received a email form Joel. Then I came up stairs, reread the email a few times, then chatted with mum on messenger for a bit where of course my first words were "I GOT A EMAIL FORM JOEL".

I'm such a girl! The funny thing is now I've heard form him & he's interested I'm like ok, do I want to follow it up. Well, of course I do cause he's amazing in bed but I'm not sure how to explain it. It's kinda like 'well I haven't been rejected, now the balls in my court, how to I want to play it?' I don't usually do games & the whole 'I'll wait a few days to contact them thing', just to show you're not too desperate but man, he kept me waiting a week. Hmmm, do I put him though some of that, 'wonder if she'll email me' head space... If it was anyone else that was kinda medioca it'd be like, your loss buddy but him... I think I might just have to make a exception.

For some reason he thinks I'm in London, I'm sure I said I was in the midlands in the group email I sent... Anyway, he said he's going to London at the end of next week & would like to catch up for a drink. I'm not in London though... Or could I be... hmmmm

Ummm what else. I'm starting to feel better. My mum rocks. I've just finished the last chocolate in the big box of Roses I got given on Tuesday... Is that bad? It wasn't a small box either... Ahhh maybe that's why I've got a zillion pimples at the moment. No that's cause I'm sick & run down. It is! :o)

I'm worried bout the bosses wife, who's also my boss. She's not well, got hit worse than me with a cold, working long hard hours, isn't eating, is smoking lots & I think she's losing weight. She's so skinny anyway it's really not a good thing. She knows what she's got to do its just a matter of her getting out of there. I spose it's not quite that easy. It's thought that if she leaves the business will fall apart. Like I've said to her though, she's more important than anything. It's time for her to put herself first. The twins are 15 now & they are really mature & understand what's happening & why. If she wants to be any good to anyone things need to change & pretty dam quickly. I know what she's going through. It was easy for me to be selfish, I only had to worry about me....

I went up to the place where I got my tarot reading done the other day, they have a healing centre there too - think it's a bit too new agey for her but I booked her in for a half body massage. She needs some pampering. Figured if it's paid for & booked she couldn't really say no. Hope she uses it. She needs it...

because I'm so shallow & fickle my mind has wondered back to the email :o) He called me babe, I LOVE it when a guy calls me babe. After he signed off he even put "I hope you still remember who I am x x x". How sweet is that. I have the power :) That's so wrong, on so many levels.

Should go to sleep. Glad that I'm writing again though, even if it is about crap :)

Same old, same old, England, Sunday 24th October 3.00am

I should be sleeping.

Wrote this last night but forgot to publish it...

Just had a quick chat with mum on messenger & was like, "I have to go to sleep now so bye" but now I've decided I want to write something. I'm just not sure where to start. The last few nights I haven't slept very well (I didn't get to sleep till 4.30am last night, sorry, this morning), I could attribute this to been sick but it's more so that my brain seems to have started back up & is constantly ticking over again. I haven't really had to deal with this part of my personality for the last 7 months & now that I've stopped in one place for a bit it seems to have kicked in full swing. Must admit, I'm not a fan going to have to figure out how to switch off.

Mum & I have been talking about going in to business when I get back & this is on my mind a fair bit including that I have to make decisions about the remainder of my travels & when I'm going to get home etc & then the boy thing takes up a fair amount of the clutter that is known as the thoughts in my head. I don't know why cause either way I could take or leave any of them... That sounds really harsh but I know that I'm still way to protective of myself & I don't really want to fall for anyone... I think I actually like the distraction of thinking & day dreaming about them... That sounds bad doesn't it "them". We all know I'm lusting over Joel (oh & Monkey cool to get your comment - I love comments! The logical side of me knows you're right - if he wanted to contact me he would... But then again, as my friend Eve said "why look at the pic's when he can have the real thing? hehehe), then Surfer's boy has been on my mind a fair bit as I mentioned yesterday, & there's Simon who I met in Istanbul & Jordan who I met in Portugal (the one who was part of my most embarrassing moment ever). If nothing else I'm friends & will keep in touch with all of them, except Joel, he may just have been a holiday/travel thing which I'm cool with too.

Talking of boys & things, I got a email form Claudia the other day & she said that my ex had sent her a email reminding her that it was my birthday... But I didn't get one form him, truth be told I was actually a little surprised I didn't hear form him - don't know why. For his birthday I sent him a email, it was around the time the divorce was been finalized so we were kinda in contact, I thought after 7 years of knowing him I couldn't not wish him happy birthday. Anyway, my ex said to Claudia that he couldn't email me cause his girl friend would get the shits - I hate that expression! Even though I use it now too :) See to be that insecure in your relationship - especially when I'm over half the world away & consequently have no interest in my ex at all - would really suck. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I do wish them luck. I'm wondering if that's why she (his girlfriend) sent me the last email about the baby & the house... As a way of... Oh, I don't know, I really don't care.

I think that something else that's on my mind is the similarities between my bosses marriage falling apart & mine. Don't get me wrong, in comparison I think I had it easy (ha!). But they have 3 great teenagers & a business that demands a lot form them but 1 - a husband who's not willing to take responsibility, 2 - feeling of been taken for granted, 3 - not feeling alive, 4 - She (who I support) has a really, really strong friendship with someone of the opposite sex & I know 100% that they are only friends.

This is when the thought process comes into it though & I think I've been trying not to think about it. People are allowed to have friends & I never would have dreamed of telling my ex that he couldn't choose his own friends. As already mentioned my boss put this to his wife & their friend & that's when things hit the fan. Thing is, there really is nothing more than a friendship there. I don't actually know what it is that I'm wanting to say. If I'd said to my ex that I didn't want him hanging out with (his now girlfriend) how would my life be different? I'd be a jealous insecure person that just isn't me. No one is worth not trusting. Does that make sense? In my opinion a relationship is not worth having if there is no trust. There's that saying 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was'. Don't agree with the last bit but the rest of it is pretty spot on. You are worth so much more than sinking to jealously, wondering what they're doing & who they're with. If they don't want to be with you then it's their loss anyway, people just need to be honest. Why is that so hard? Rhetorical question - I think it's cause most of the time its really hard to decide what you want. What's real & what's not.... Yep, all good in theory :o) As everyone has, I've been through the whole what's wrong with me depression thing & my confidence has taken a battering & no doubt I'll go through it again at some stage. Although I'm hoping by the time I'm 30 I'll have life sussed (shit only 2 years to go... might be a bit of a tough one). Spose it's just life.

I really am tired. Don't know if any of that makes sense... Work today wasn't to bad, I'm still not 100% but managed to pull through ok.

Need sleep. xox

Same place as yesterday, England, Saturday 23rd October 1.21am 2004

I DON'T UNDERSTAND BOYS!!!

Yes, I mean boys. Boys are boys & girls are girls no matter how old they are. I always get pulled up when I call the opposite sex 'boys' but I don't care. Hell, when I'm 70 they'll still be boys & we'll still be girls. Now I've clarified that, how do boy's brains work? Can someone please explain! I just completely don't understand them & are a little baffled...

Joel. Well he went & looked at the birthday pics I downloaded on Sunday & then... guess what?!... He went & looked at them again yesterday. But do you think I've gotten an email or a txt yet...?! That would be NO. Why is he bothering to look at my pic's if he's not bothering to say hi? I don't expect anything form him, I don't want a relationship... Hell, I'm traveling the world I don't exactly need baggage. All I want is great sex, not much to ask for is it? Yes I'm been impatient but isn't that what girls do? Plus I'm tetchy, so I have an excuse... :)

Come to think of it, he was the one that asked for my details too... Not the other way round & he was the one that was all like "I'll come & see you or you'll have to come down & visit... " It really does drive me insane, why don't people just say & do what they mean? What's the point of playing games? Why look at my pic's twice? Rant, rant, rant, rant, rant. Ok I'll stop now :)

I got a txt form Surfers boy yesterday, I met him when I was traveling in Oz back in November/December last year & we keep in touch. He sends me these messages that make me go weak at the knees. I've been thinking about him a bit lately... Not sure what the future holds there. Then again I txt him back & he hasn't responded... Go figure! The story of my life!! :o)

I didn't go to work today. Have a bad cold & felt like crap for the majority of the day, feeling a bit better now. Should try & get some sleep though so I'll be ok for tomorrow.

Oh & I looked at changing my template to something a little less boring but it means I'll loose my comments :(

(edit: Dam!!!! Looks like when I was playing last night & I thought I'd cancelled the changes to my template I didn't actually cancel them & now I've got a new template with no comments & no counter, I was up to 1033 hits too! Oh well, what can you do...)

Miss you all heaps as always,
Night, Night xoxox

You know where I am, Thursday 21st October 2004, 11.15pm

Hmmm...

Funny, I always have trouble thinking of a new title when I post & usually do it after I've writen it. Today I'm finding it hard to decide between 2 though. 1) I miss writing!!!! & 2), slightly addicted to chocolate. The sad thing is neither of these titles in themselves are very interesting. If I choose # 1 it will set me off on a tangent which I do want to write about but # 2 will set me off on a much more interesting tangent. Confused? Welcome to my world :o)

Right – Slightly addicted to chocolate it is.

I have a theory on why I'm addicted to chocolate at the moment & I'm pretty sure its spot on. Because I’M NOT GETTING ENOUGH SEX! Sorry. Sorry. "Enough" would indicate that I'm getting some action but NO. NOTHING!!! It's been 3 weeks & I'm going to go insane soon, I swear. I'm sure that whole "women reach their sexual peak" thing, at what ever age it is, has kicked in with me & I'm not a happy bunny. I can't get Joel off my mind. I don't want to turn into one of those obsessed girls that are desperate & needy so don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be totally heart broken if he doesn't get in contact but let's just say he had a big impact & I want HIM. I'll give him till the weekend & if I don't hear form him I'll give up &, not wanting to sound trashy but…, I'll have to find someone else… I still haven't had anyone else to practice on with my new ‏‏‏‏‏piercing :o) Might have to call Simon who I met in Istanbull before I met Joel. Simon's in London & has sent me a few txt messages already.

Enough of my moaning & back to chocolate. You know in the movies how you see people with a big tray of chocolates & they pick them up & have a bite of each one & put them back? Well for my b'day Silvia got me a tray of chocolates & I've always wanted to do that. So I did, I picked up each chocolate took a bite & put it back :o) It was great! So much fun, I loved it! With out getting all deep & meaningful, life's full of little pleasures isn't it.

Tonight I was lucky to get my night off & I only think I got it because I already had something planned. The boss had words with one of the cooks last night, who just happens to be only 17 & was expected to do a party of 20 last night by him self (I ended up spending the night in the kitchen…). Things continued this morning & the cook walked out. The other cook is on holidays so ‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏that left the boss's wife, Sylvia, who is usually in the kitchen but was bed ridden yesterday because she was sick, so really she wasn't fit to be in the kitchen today. I'm coming down with something so the thought of been there tonight didn't exactly appeal. Mo, one of the ladies I work with, has a daughter who runs a cub-scout group & she asked me if I'd do a bit of a talk for them… So of course me been me, I said I would. It actually went really well & I kinda enjoyed it. Which brings me back to chocolate, as does everything at the moment. They brought me a box of Roses… I have to use every ounce of will power to stop myself form eating them! I think I've already had about 5 or 6….

It's been quite a while since I've felt like writing & I must admit that I miss it (title #1, hehe, didn't think I'd have the energy to keep going). Writing everything down seems to get it out of my head & it makes it all make sense. Well that's not quite true, it just makes it seem ok that it doesn't make sense.

I can still remember sitting on the beach at Manly with Eve & Adam just before I was due to leave and Adam said something like 'you're going traveling to figure out who you are' & I was all like "No I'm not, I know who I am blah, blah, blah" to that I can say bull shit, I don't think you ever know who you are & people react differently in different situations etc but what I can say is that I'm searching. Not to figure out who I am but for what I want, or all new agey – what my purpose is. I've probably written about this till the cows come home but I think I'm getting closer. Tonight I managed to keep a group of at least 20 8-10 year olds interested for over 30minuites. I didn't think I'd be able to. Sorry got to get another chocolate… make that 2… couldn't choose between Golden Barrel, mmmm caramel, or strawberry dream… need I say more.

So yeah, I enjoyed it & I was good at it (no modesty here!). There are so many things I want to combine to come up with what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. They are as follow, in no particular order:

Massage, I want to learn properly.
Write, I enjoy it & it's great to get some of the clutter out of my head
Make a go of my own business & start up a hostel.
Work with people, give presentations, and impart knowledge… (That's presuming I have knowledge to impart hehehe).
Make invitations.
Plan functions & events.

I'm still at that point where I'm kinda like "stop the world I want to get off" but that's not quite right its more I want to get back to reality. But what's the point?! I could be at home & confused or I can be here & confused. The only difference is at home I'd have my nice furniture, clothes plus let's not forget shoes, around me, oh & probably a crappy job. Whereas here I'm seeing some of the world & still don't really have any responsibilities. I think I'm getting closer I just need to do the ground work & figure out how to make everything come together.

With this job I'm finding that I'm quite exhausted. Probably why I'm getting sick at the moment… I felt like crap at work today. The good thing about it though is that I haven't had to take any money out of my Australian account & I've save over 300pounds, over $700au. Not to bad considering I've spent quite a bit that I haven't really had to. That’s the good thing about staying here - I don't actually need to spend money. All I really do is work & while it's not the best thi‏‏ng or best pay, it's easy just to stay here.

I'm tired now so think I'll play with my 'stuff' template cause I'm bored of it, then go to sleep :o)

England, Tuesday 19th October 2004 10.35pm

Sore Throat...

It's not good. I had a bit of an itch in my throat last night & I woke up this morning with a full-on sore throat :( I'm now sucking on a lozenge in the hope of making my throat stop hurting... Funny how things take you by surprise when you do them for the first time, HAHA, like sucking on a lozenge with a tongue piercing...

I started writing a post the other day re: my birthday so I'll put that on here in a sec. At present my major dilemma (there always has to be some sort of dilemma - I'm a Girl!) is that I sent out a bit of a group email & I included Joel, the boy who I'm lusting over that I met in Istanbul. On this email I put a link to some photos that I downloaded of my b'day. So last night I went to check out who'd been looking at my photos, as you do -cause I'm a nosey cow, and Joel has gone in & looked at them but hasn't contacted me, yet... See, its things like this that do my head in! Can't say I'm very patient... Plus, I'm soooo tetchy & don't want anyone else but him... I'll give him another couple of days.

Ok, what else? Um, tetchy, tetchy, tetchy! Sorry. On Monday I went & had my teeny tiny tattoo added to, so now it kinda has wings. It hurt, but was ok, kinda tickled. Thought I'd treat myself for my birthday. I like it. On Friday I thought I'd treat myself again, as you do round the time of your birthday :) & I got a reading done. Both palm & tarot. It was quite intresting & she was very accurate on the palm reading & I'll have to wait & see with the tarot. Things that came up that I've managed to remember:

Palm Reading

- Relationship early on in life that was very serious but ended. I have a very turblant love life... (Yay, go me!)
- There are a lot of contradictions in my hand
- I'm a very, very creative person (they always say this when I get any type of reading... go figure)
- I can be very impatient
- There are many different sides to me & people would explain me as hard to get to know (not sure if she's right on this one...)
- I'm very opinionated (don't know?)
- Very strong & independant
- That there has been some line growth on my hand recently that usually relates to writing... & it's something that I would have been nurturing over the last 6months or so...
- That I have good intuition & that I should follow it.

There was heaps more but I don't remember it...

Tarot reading, well, a bit of it anyway :)

- When I was shuffling the deck the king of Rods dropped out, it then showed up later in the reading. I've taken it to be Joel but could be someone else...
- There are some communication/correspondence problems with the King of Rods but there is very strong mutual attracton there...
- I asked the question about staying in Hanley & I think it was the 7 of swords that came out. The picture on the card is of someone lying on the ground with swords sticking out of them. She asked me if I'd felt like someone had had it in for me etc.. Girl I work with! Anyway, she's like - that's over with now, so if you do stay you'll be happy.
- My life's moving in the right direction, I'm where I need to be & not wasting my time.
- I picked out one card to sum up the next year for me & (I think) it was the 7 of penticles (not sure) but anyway its meaning was that I'm moving towards my vocation. Which is kinda freaky cause that's in a way what I'm searching for. I want to have a passion! Something that I can do that not only earns me money but that I enjoy!

I've got to go get ready for work now but here's the post from the other day:

Well, as per usual I have no idea what I should do. S'pose I should be used to it by now‏ though, huh? There's a part of me that wants to just keep on traveling then there's another part of me, a bigger part of me, that just wants to come home & make a go of starting up my own business...

Anyway, first things first. It was my birthday on Tuesday. I LOVE, repeat absolutely LOVE, my birthdays! I had a fantastic day! I arrived at work & a couple of the ladies I work with, Mo who works in the kitchen, & Cheryl, who works front of house, had both bought me presents. I got a cute little teddy bear that says 'happy birthday' & a nail set & travel brush & comb. I just thought it was so sweet! They've only known me a few weeks yet went out of there way for me. I thought it was really cool!

I finished work, about 3.30ish by the time I'd had lunch, then went for a walk up to the shops. Oh, but before I forget, I also got some flowers delivered at work! I still don't know who they're from. I think they're from one of the regulars. A bit scary but all's good. Anyway, I decided that I wanted to feel a bit normal & girly for my birthday so went & got my hair blow dried at the hair dressers. My hair's so much shorter than it was. It was really nice to feel normal again & not like a daggy backpacker. When I got home Simon had put Happy Birthday banners on my bedroom door & blown up some balloons. Then he'd also gone to the supermarket & gotten 2 little gluten-free cake/muffin things & a 28 candle which was cool. He'd brought some gluten free pasta, tuna steaks & a sauce so I had a yummy dinner & felt‎ I was very spoilt. Plus he brought me a birthday present too!…A web cam!

After dinner we went out for a few drinks & met up with Sylvia & Sam. Sylvia is one of my bosses & Sam works in the kitchen. I had a really good night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, 18th October 2004, 9.46am

Blow jobs...

...but firstly some strange shit has been going on here...
1) the girl I work with drives me crazy. She's such a stress head & I can't even have a conversation with her!
2) Friday night the owner accused their family friend, Simon, who pretty much managers the bar for free, of wanting to make a play for his wife & told him to bugger off.
3) Simon was the only one pretty much keeping me sane at work, the first week was cool but the last week has been a bit weird & I've even felt guilty for taking breaks & having my nights off. 4) As a result of all this I told the boss yesterday that I wasn't going to stick around.

I'm still at Simons & we get on well & have been hanging out a bit, he's said that I'm more than welcome to stick around here for a bit which is cool. Life's to short to be stuck doing something that you don't want to be doing & I don't the grief. If I got on with the girl I work with or if she would leave I'd stay.

Now back to the interesting stuff. Blow Jobs. I honestly didn't realise that guys don't cum all the time. I've always had a 100% strike rate (not something you probably wanted to know...) but I honestly thought Joel was having me on when he said he never had before via a bj. It's really interesting!

I miss everyone bucket loads! It's my birthday on Tuesday, tomorrow... 28... Its a bit exciting! It's late, I'm tired & mums on messenger so I'm gonna go :o)

Hanley, Stoke-on-Trent, England - Monday 11th October 2004, 12.36am

Anything sweet!

I can't stop myself from eating sweet things. Today I've had 2 snickers bars, 2 hot chocolates & 1 glass of coke… Go figure. I don't know if maybe it's just leading up to that time of the month but I don't usually do sweet (well apart for the snickers addiction but I can usually keep that down to 1 a day). I had coke for the first time in about 5 years yesterday & it actually wasn't that bad. Exciting – yesterday I got to go on an excursion to Tescos, which is a huge supermarket here, to buy some leeks for the kitchen & they were selling 2 packs of 6 snickers bars for 1.76. That’s less than 36cents Australian each. Bargain! Oh well, not to worry, I'm running round like a blue ass fly so I don't think I'll be putting on any weight – knowing my luck though I'll just get spots.

I think I'm finally getting used to the whole 12 hour day on my feet thing. Tonight's the first night I've come 'home' & not fallen straight in to bed. Home at the moment is staying with one of the other employees; he's more kind of a family friend of the owners. The bed is so comfortable & big, I'm going to miss it. Looks like next Tuesday, not Sunday, I'll be moving to my permanent accommodation with one of the other employees, to a single bed :o( It'd be so nice to be there now so I could sort my gear out & have somewhere to call home but I spose another few days isn't going to kill me.

Working again in hospitality again has reminded me why I left the industry. The long days are one thing but it's the no possibility of having a life that really did for me all those years ago. It suits me now because I don't really want to have a life here. I just want to earn some money & not be bored brainless. I can't wait till I get to catch up with some of my friends though. There are so many people I want to see… Everything else seems to be so well organized except out time off & breaks. There is also another girl that started a day or so after me (not sure if I mentioned her) & we're starting to wonder what the go is… It's a 2 week trial period so I spose we just wait & see… I'm looking forward to Sunday – no work. 1 day off out of 7 isn't exactly good though, especially considering how long the days are. I suppose that’s why they like travelers to work…

My normal day so far has been. Start work at 11.30, ‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏12 – 2.30 is the lunch period, we close the doors at 2.30 clean up have lunch then just after 3 go to the kitchen & do prep for a couple of hours. 5pm the doors open back up then we close at 11pm. I spend my time between serving, kitchen prep & dishes & we usually get out of there about 12am ish… I don't really think there is that much more to tell.

I'm feeling ok about been here… I was pretty shitty yesterday because I kept making stu‏pid mistakes, they are pretty laid back about things, I just get angry with myself. I've discovered that I only like to do things that I can do well… I am wondering if I'm going to last. I've committed myself so I'm sure I will…

I haven't heard back form the English boy I met in Istanbul… He's still traveling though & getting to internet is sometimes tricky, I had a bit of trouble, so I'll just be patient & see what happens. That brings me to another topic of conversation & more so a question for the boys ::o)

How do I phrase this…? Ok. Is it possible for a guy NOT to cum when getting a blow job? I'm thinking some of ‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏the guys I went out with in Istanbul were just having me on – if not I don't understand how it's possible, it just doesn't make sense. Oh & I had great reports about the tongue ring too :o) hehehe

I got a huge email for Claudia today & it made my day. It was so cool to hear everything that was going on at home. It so makes me miss being there… God, this is when I try to figure out what it is I want to be doing… Thing is I still don't know. People ask me where it is I'm going next. Answer: I don't know. I still don't know what I want… It's my birthday in less than 2 weeks, I'm going to be 28, & I still don't know what I want! The cool thing is I'm not back in reality so it doesn't really matter. I do know that it'd be nice to have the people I care about close by though. There are 4 people in my life that are constant & they all very much have their own lives so while sometimes I just want to pack my bags & run home there is no point, there really does have to be something more out there for me…

I really can't wait to see my friends that live close by, I'm so excited I just have no clue when I'm going to have time off … My bosses are in London this weekend for a wedding so I'm hoping things will sort them selves out next week & hopefully I'll be able to organize something for my b'day on the 12th.

Well, now I'm a bit tired so I need to get some sleep. Night.

Hanley, Sroke-on-trent – England, Friday 1st October 2004, 1.32am