Kinked... ;)

Tired to post on Adams page again but it didn´t work! Dude, whats happeing here?

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Basically I just need confirmation that the comment...

`I've always been curious to know what its like when the world thinks your innocent when you're really kinked...´

...applied to me before I wrote a long assed post in response :)

I think its soooo interesting that you think that people perceive me as innocent.

Really that's all it is - peoples perception... A lot of people look at the people around them & try to put them into boxes with clearly defined labels on them, & um well, in my experience this usually doesn't work to well.

Me. Why do people think I'm innocent? Hmmm or for that matter why does Adam think I'm kinked? ;)

My interpretation... I wear glasses, are short (very, very, very short. 147cm to be exact) & have blond hair, oh & lets not forget are female. The 3 most interesting misconceptions that I've come across thus far in my life, in relation to me, are as follow.

Number 1: I must be a intelligent & thus a nerd (I wear glasses after all, hehehe) This is still a hang up I have form school but I do little experiments with the whole glass vs contacts things & its very interesting that people do actually treat you differently (but then I probably feel more confident in contacts... Sorry going off track!)

Number 2: Cause I'm short, blond & female I should be wrapped in cotton wool cause I probably cant look after myself ummm, bull shit!)

Number 3 (by far the most interesting): That I'm innocent... This ones fairly new to me & I haven't had a lot of time to soak it in or sit back & observe why people in my every day life would think this & how it sits with my standing in the world.

As Adam said: Every person I've ever met thinks you're perfectly innocent, but from the first time I met you I never made that assumption.
I've always been curious how someone deals with that internally. All that power and influence just waiting to lash out.

I spose all I can say is that I don't really know what its like when people perceive you to be one way & your not, a little frustrating at times to say the least but Id think every one would experiencence this at one time or another...?

Its funny cause I am who I am, I don't try & hide my personality, it may not all come out if I don't like you or feel comfortable around you but still I don't pretend to be something I'm not (unless like all females its to my advantage, hehehe, JUST JOKING!!!)

Just sitting here writing I've clicked why the people Adam & I both know would perceive me to be innocent - they are all work colleagues! It now makes sense! At work I must admit I was rather professional (most of the time) & used to be very good at my job & yeah rather anal at times...

Ok, not quite so dumbfounded by it now, cool, was just trying to sort it all out in my head. Post over. But bottom line, peoples perceptions mean shit. I've learned to like been me & if I do something to alter peoples perceptions so they actually get to know me then great, if not, doesn't really affect my little world :)

Rio - Brazil, Thursday 26th May 2004

Wrote this for Adams site but it didnt post...

So thought it might as well not go to waste...

Author´s who don´t post.

Was doing a quick scan of everyone's pages, as I often do to kinda make me feel like I'm in touch with the "normal" world &, I noticed a slight dig at those of us who have logins that don't post... :) So thought Id rectify it & write a few words...

Although now that I've started I'm not to sure what to write. Must admit I've been doing quite a lot of philosophizing of late & its been pretty cool... You probably don't need to travel half way around the world to sort your head out but it really helps to get the day to day crap out of the way so you can concentrate on the "big picture".

My take on the world - at the moment, it'll more than likely change in 2 minutes :)

Number 1: Things happen for a reason. Just accept & go with it.

Number 2: There is no need to be in control all of the time. It feels fantastic to fly by the seat of your pants - first few times I did it, with bus/train tickets & deciding which countries to go to etc, I was scared shitless. Things always have a way of working out though.

Number 3: Expect good from people & they'll usually live up your expectations (gut instinct counts here though).

Number 4: You don't have to be friends or click with everybody. Its cool to go it alone sometimes & still know that you'll be ok.

Number 5: Life is to be lived, every sunset is wonderful, nature is beautiful & shouldn't be taken for granted - stop & smell the roses THAT'S A ORDER ;)

Number 6: Last one for today & one of the most important ;) Never & I mean NEVER take toilet paper for granted, hehehe. It sucks having to carry a roll with you everywhere, although I must admit Argentina & Chile are pretty good with supplying it & they also have toilet seats! Very dam exciting!

Ok lecture over :)

Santiago - Chile, Friday 20th May 2.40pm

Its not my fault!

We have a new record for the amount of boys I've kissed in one night :) Its now 4. Oh, but that doesn't include new years, I think that was 10. Everybody kisses everybody on new years... & apparently that's how it works in Rio too :)

Last night was really really really good! I watched the sun start to rise over the bay this morning & it was pretty dam amazing. Got to bed just after 6am.

Sent a email to the hostel I was staying at in Santiago just now asking them to pass a message on to David giving him my email address... He's a nice boy. Haven't fallen for him but Nick was saying yesterday that David told him to say hi to me, it'd be nice to keep in touch.

Met a kiwi boy last night that wanted to take me to a hotel but I wasn't really that interested. We lost them some how then the next thing I know some Brazilian boy was kissing me. Then one of the English lads we were with decided that if a Brazilian guy could just come up & kiss me then he'd give it a go to... How do you tell a 18 year old to fuck off with out messing up there head... It´s a hard one. Oh & just before I left there was this really hot Brazilian boy, (very, very hot) that I decided it would be fun to kiss, he was such a good kisser. There were also a few more boys that wanted to kiss me but I managed to avoid them. Was a tad scary for a bit as one of them didn't get the idea & I thought he was going to follow me round all night.

We went to a place called Lapa, which is like a big street party & they sell alcohol on the street & have these clubs which are just like rooms that play music. It was a awesome night!

Rio - Brazil, Sunday 23rd May 2004, 6pm

It´s been confirmed...

... I'm a hussy :)

Why is it that I come all the way to South America & end up sleeping with, sorry, having sex with Australian boys???!

I spent 2 nights in Santiago, the first night I was so tired form traveling I didn't do much but the second night (Thur 20/05) was a bit of a big one that started with drinking games... and ending with me getting to sleep at 5am. I met quite a few people at the hostel, out of the group of about 9 of us there were 4 aussies. One of which was David :) A rather nice boy from Melbourne.

Wont go into to much detail but I've crossed another thing off my list, that is the I wonder what it would be like to have sex in this place list :) It kinda sucks when all the rooms in the hostel are dorms with 7 other people in them, so its not really a option, for me anyway.

I actually really miss having my apartment or for that matter just somewhere to go where you can take your time & enjoy the experience a little more. Don't get me wrong it was still fun but its so much better when you can drag it out... Especially with out interruption!

Well better up date the other page with the G rated version of my life for mum, dad & grandparents.

Please email me back!

I sent a whole stack of emails form San Pedro (when I had a stack of free time) & I haven't had one response :(

I´m feeling very neglected & unloved at present!

If I wrote to much & bored you SORRY!

Just arrived in Santiago. On free internet at Hostel must go so I don't have to pay...

xoxoxox

Santiago - Chile, Wednesday 19th May 2004

I have a little more time than I thought...

... & cant be bothered updating my trip page...

On a personal front not much is really happening in my life, i.e. meaning no boys :( It was funny I had a conversation with a very very cute Australian boy that I met in San Pedro & he's like, "you must be getting so much attention here been blond" & I'm like, "ummm - Nope".

Should have gotten with the cute Australian boy but honestly I couldn't be bothered making the effort... I'm having fun anyway!

Hopefully Ill have something to update on in the near future :)

Have to go eat now, Nicks has just finished on the internet.

BYE!!! Please, please, please keep in touch! xoxoxxo

Time to kill...

I'm down loading the first lot of 130 odd photos on to the net so everyone can have a look, plus this way if I loose the CD I wont commit suicide ;o)

I updated on my trip page last night. Don't know if it makes sense, must admit I wasn't feeling the best when I wrote it but I honestly cant justify been in a different country & sitting in my hotel room... Even if I'm sitting in the internet cafe at least I'm still accomplishing something.

I have never felt like I did on the way back from MP on Sunday night. I was just so at peace with everything, it was just such a great feeling that I never want to forget.

I wrote a little bit about David on my trip page. He's a amazing guy. We really clicked. He has a girlfriend in Ecuador so its just a friend thing, we had some really deep conversations. He's done a lot of traveling & is just so on to it. You know that really cool feeling when you know that you're going to be friends with someone regardless. It was that sort of connection. I must admit though on the train at one stage we were talking & he touched my knee, there was definitely electricity there...

I met up with him and the English lads Sunday night about 10pm, I was planning on a early one but he convinced me to stay out till 2am & said something that I thought was pretty cool, he was like "you cant go - you're like the flame that starts the fire". It didn't sound quite so cheesy at the time. Anyway 2am came around & I was so tired so I was going but I couldn't find him anywhere so didn't get to say good bye :( but you know what, I just had this feeling that it didn't matter cause I knew Id be seeing him again. Don't ask me when or where, cause he's not traveling, but I just had this really strong feeling. Pretty cool me thinks... I have to trust my instincts I think. Whenever I get feelings like that it reminds me of the whole Steve & Kat thing (my ex) when I first met her I had a similar feeling... My instincts were right there. Now I've just got to learn to trust them & go with them.

I'm in Puno now & still aren't feeling 100% so I'm just going to chill out today. Even though I feel sick, I'm still happy, I'm still at peace. I'm really glad that I'm doing this & I know that I'm going to be ok.

It kinda freaked me out when I got to the bus station last night that the tout was like taxi, hostel etc. I had already decided how much Id pay for the taxi (they rip you off here) & the hostel that I wanted to stay at that looked like it was closet to the main square. I sort of said to myself, things will work out, just go with it. And it did, he gave me the price I wanted for the taxi & said the hostel name that Id decided on form the lonely planet. I've booked some tours through him too, don't worry I checked with 2 other agents to make sure the price was right before booking. At the moment I really are just going with the flow but I'm not stupid enough to take everything at face value :o)

I spose its the whole things happen how they are supposed to you just have to put it out there & then go with it.

I've still got to wait, the photos are taking ages. At least internet is only like Sl.2 per hour ($.80au) so its not that big a deal.

What else can I write about... Oh the whole Adam thing... I saw him again last Thursday night I think. Decided not to go there again. You know when you expect a guy to show interest & kinda make you feel special? Well he didn't & I wasn't willing to compromise. He was definitely interested but was more into playing drinking games with the guys so I didn't want to wait around, the girls & I went to Mamma Africas.

Saw the bar man on Sunday night - he was with a girl! Oh well, Ill survive :o)

I really enjoyed cusco but think Ill calm down on the partying a little, I know, famous last words... I'm traveling by myself now though so I think it'll be a little different. Although Ill probably meet people this afternoon on the tour I'm doing & on the floating islands overnight trip... Well see...

I miss all you guys. Sorry I'm not in touch as much as I should be! I honestly cant say how important your friends really are. Never take them for granted cause as soon as they're not there you feel it! But you know what's cool too. I'm ok been by myself, I know its something that I can do (until I have my next breakdown anyway ;). Here the hostels aren't quite the same. They're more like hotels. I have a private room & private bathroom so the possibility of meeting people at the hostel is quite limited but I'm ok with that at the moment.

Oh & get this I don't have a power point in my room to charge my phone. The battery died this morning so no more txt messages for a while....

Well I should get out there & do something... Photos are just about done... I haven't eaten properly since yesterday morning so I should try & find a restaurant too. I haven't been hungry, maybe that's why I'm still not feeling well... hmmm...

Puno, Tuesday 4th May, 12.30pm