Sad...

I've just about finished packing but this little baby needs to be packed before I can pack some other stuff so thought I'd do the one last post thing. Honestly, it feels like I'm leaving home again. Ok not as bad as when I walked through the departure gates at Sydney airport in April and burst in to tears but almost...

I've forgotten how to pack, or could it just be I've acquired way to much stuff in 2 months. It's been 2 months since I've had to pack!!! I've brought a huge duffel bag thing on wheels & that's full & so is my back pack, I just don't understand... Well I do but not sure if I should be sending it home or just hang on to it, I'm going to be there home in no time. I'll figure it out when I get to London.

Today, Cheryl & Mo had both brought me going away pressies & then the boss & TBW got me something too. I went in to work tonight to have a quick good bye drink with a couple of the regulars & N gave me a card with a bracelet thing in it!?!? Earlier tonight S gave me a tight case thing that goes around my laptop to protect it, like a second skin, along with; 6 snickers; a pack of gluten free biscuits; 2 cake things &; he got me Chinese for dinner... I really should be sleeping with him huh... Oh well :D

As I walked out of work I had a few tears run down my cheek, I'm still feeling a bit teary now. I'm kinda sad. Wondering if it's just cause I've had a few drinks or just PMS... I'll miss the people but not the politics.

Well, this'll be the last post for a bit... Wish me luck with the next chapter of the trip... In 8 hours I'll be on the bus to London!

xoxox

Hanley, Stoke-On-Trent, England, Friday 26th November 2004, 12.00am

Last post is way to long...

... So didn't want to add more to it :D But I forgot to mention that I really want to get back into indoor rock climbing when I get home too. Oh & finally get my license!

Night!

Thursday 25th November 1.32pm

What will I do with out wireless Internet!!??

How the hell am I going to survive!? LOL! It would be true to say I've become slightly addicted to my laptop & the whole wireless internet thing since I've been here... But since I haven't really had a life I suppose it's kinda acceptable. I so can't wait to leave. That sounds awful doesn't it.

I know that I needed to be here but I'm ready to move on. I've learnt some pretty important stuff while I've been here though so it has been worth while. Anyone want to throw up?! I sound like "I'm on a mission to find my self blah blah blah". To funny :)

I will go down that track for a second though... Things I've learnt or that are now crystal clear in my mind:

1) Never work for a family run business - NEVER
2) Don't become a alcoholic & run a pub...
3) When it's time to go it's time to go, REGARDLESS.
4) I'm actually not stupid, I've had huge issues with this my whole life & now I know why... & have done some 'work' on it. Ok, I'm a hippy ;)
5) I have actually dealt with my marriage break up & it's ok for me to be a bit jealousy that he has someone & I don't. Doesn't mean I have unresolved issues about our marriage or him.
6) I'm ready to start the next chapter of my life. Massage is something I've always been interested in & now I'm going to do something about it.
7) I feel free to follow my dreams & I think I actually know what they are which is a tad dam exciting!

I was thinking yesterday when I get home & print out all my journal entries & collate them form this page & my trip page will I actually remember everything & find it exciting to read or will I be bored stiff :)

2 MONTHS & I'LL BE HOME!!! I'm so excited about this. I'm not stupid enough to think that everything will still be the same, the place or the people, but man, it's still home. Sydney is home now... It took me traveling half way round the world to realise that Sydney is home.... SYDNEY IS HOME!!!

I think that's a pretty profound thing. Really. I hated Sydney for so long & now I realise I love so much about it. A lot of the people there could chill out a bit though, I will now be one of those people you see sitting on a train after it's been delayed for 20min still smiling (if you know me & don't see me smiling you must hit me & say smile, k?). I can't wait to be sitting in City Extra at circular key for brunch then casually wonder round the rocks markets followed by chatting on the grass at circular key across from the Oprah house... Or having friends over to watch DVD's & eat Thai food or finding a new trendy funky bar/pub to hang out at & sit on big sofas drinking my fav alcohol of the moment. Walking round the domain & going up to the art gallery again. Finally making it to the observatory & gardens. Going to Lady MaQuaries chair & taking some awesome photos of the Oprah house with the harbor bridge in the background. Going to the Chinese friendship gardens & actually exploring china town... Spending a day traipsing round Newtown... Should I go on. Sydney has so much to offer. I can't wait till I get home. Even if I have to do these things by myself, so be it. Life will be fun, I will NOT get depressed when I get home & I want to do stuff but all my friends are busy with their own lives. It is inevitable & I know this. You can't be gone 10/11months & expect life to be the same... God knows I'm not going to be able to afford my fantastic apartment or lifestyle I had before either but I spose I don't really need it. Life will be different... You don't say! ;)

I could keep rambling forever, maybe I will get board stiff when I read all these entries,hehehe.

I haven't even started on last night. I got a txt about 5.35, saying "Come drink Vodka with me". Vodka... How could I refuse. I met S & 17 at revolution, 17 & I are ok now (I got over my little tanty). Revolution is a Vodka bar - YUM - it cost 12pounds for a pitcher which had 10 shots of Vodka in it, that's half a pitcher. I didn't drink it all by myself but had a fair bit. We then went on a mission to tescos (supermarket) to get some mixers for the Vodka we had at home. The doors were locked but they were still open so I snuck under the trolly bar thing & got the required supply's. We got back here & drank more vodka & had champes too along with getting out the shisha pipe... I kinda managed to burn 2 small holes in S's carpet... Oops! But it was a enjoyable evening & I didn't have a hang over this morning so it can' have been to bad. I'm really tired now. The boss as always is a spastic. He took a booking for 14 people at 10pm, for food. Now just to give you a idea the kitchen closes at 9.30pm... & we close at 11p, Hmmm, something's not quite right there is it? They were only on desserts when we left just on 12pm. They were nice people though so they're not to blame. I sometimes wonder if the boss has bricks in his head...

In saying that though he does have a good heart. Yesterday he was like "when you get the receipt for your ticket to London put it in the till & take the money out". It was part of the deal when I started working here but also was staying till Christmas... Then tonight as I was leaving he was like, "we've got to have a nice dinner for you tomorrow night what do you want?". He may be pissed but at least his hearts in the right place.

I'm so happy it's only one more lunch shift to go. Today J at work completely threw me (not literally!). Don't know if I've mentioned him before. He comes in & only does lunch shifts & as he's worked in Bars for a long time knows everything, which is completely cool. Today he was totally reorganising the bar, which is fine, except he doesn't work nights. He was getting all the glasses, that he thinks, we don't use & packing them away. We've been running short of wine glasses for a while & he was getting some of the odd one's packed away & I said to him "can I make a request, that we keep these ones out till the new one's come in?". Response "No, just do as I ask" in his posh snobby voice. It completely threw me. I've been asking for more wine glasses for a week or so now, so there was no reason for me to expect them anytime soon. I had another go at the boss & he went & got some this afternoon. They're not the ones (or me now either!) who have to run round the bar trying to find wine glasses or cool them down by runnig soda water over them while a customer's waiting. We also have a couple of glasses that are the perfect size for bottled bears. Which J also wanted to be packed away, I thought dare I... I dared, I shouldn't have. He almost blew his top "Rachel, we're doing this my way.... blah, blah, blah". Problem is he only works lunch shift. It's just like the tabel he moved back in to the walk way, where when it's busy you can't get passed, he has no idea. But guess what - it's not my problem anymore :) Don't know why I even bother to care.

Well, this could be my last post for a while... Will try to update tomorrow night & load some photos of Hanley but I've got to pack & stuff... Plus the boss now wants to do this dinner thing.

Oh & get this, I'm already thinking bout my next trip for this time next year... Asia, Russia, India, Napal... Who knows if it'll ever happen. Don't think I'll ever stop traveling though, I hope I don't. Even if it's just weekends away or exploring around where I live...

Night, night

P.S spell check didn't quite work - to tired... Sorry, I'm a bad speller - but I'm not stupid :D hehe

Hanley, Stoke - On - Trent, England, Thursday 25th December 2004 1.10am

It's PITCH BLACK at 5.30pm

That is all :)

Just quickly...

Told them at work that I was leaving (again) but this time I mean it & nothing'll change my mind. Last day at work will be Thursday, I feel like jumping for joy. As expected the boss was great about it which makes me feel like crap cause he doesn't live in the real world. N was fantastic today, get this tonight she even offered to help me plan my iteniary.... So don't get that girl. I was going to send a heap of stuff home but figure I might as well lug it round with me or leave it at a friends place in London. I found one of those duffel bag things today that has wheels & a handle for 15 pounds - bargain!

Umm, what else... I should be scared shitless as I've enrolled for the massage course & paid a $450 deposit that doesn't get refunded if you don't do the course... But I'm not, I'm fine, I'm really looking forward to it!

Think I'm going to the Kumuka tour of Europe, it's $1000au more expensive than contiki but goes to Berlin & Prague plus contiki, I've heard good things & I've heard bad things... Kumuka was fantastic in the middle east.

I've posted a couple of updates on my trip page.


Well night, night, need sleep... didn't get to sleep till 3am yesterday...

xoxo

Hanley (for 3 more days!!!) Tuesday 23rd November 2004, 2.11pm

So sad, 3 posts in one night!

Just had to pop on & write this though, I really am going to miss this whole wireless internet connection when I go!!!

Anyway, I have a small tarot pack with me that has the Major Arcana Cards in it. I just did a lifestyle spread which is 4 cards that look at money, work, love & Friends/Family/Home.

It so made me laugh. The card that came up for work was the Death card which signifies change, new beginnings & transformation.

The meaning in my little book in relation to work: "It's time to ask: "Is my job really taking me where I want to go?" If it isn't, you should let go of it before it lets go of you".

Hehehehehehe :o)

Night, night xoxox

Sunday 22nd November 1.35am

Letter...

Dear TBW,

I know that I won't articulate this very well if I were to talk to you so I thought I'd write you a quick note… I know how much you like letters ;)

After quite a bit of contemplation I've decided to move on… I'm so sorry to do this to you a second time.

Now‎‎ that I'm going‏‎ to study next year, it gives me less time to travel & see as much of Britain & Europe as I'd like to before going home. Plus, honestly, as I'm sure you know, I'm not 100% happy here. It just seems to be one thing after the other, so better to quit while I'm a head I think.

I know you'll find someone else to work over the Christmas period but I'm really sorry for putting the extra stress on your plate, because god knows, you don't need it.

I spose I really just wanted to wish you all the best with everything. I know what you're going through without the added stress of trying to run a business. All I can say is hang in their and do what you need to do for you. As I've said before it's time to start putting yourself first. You're only one person & can't be expected to take responsibility for everything going on around you. It took someone pointing that out to me to make me realize it...

I truly hope that you find happiness.

If you or any of the kids ever decide to come to Australia for a visit look me up :o)

Lots of love,

Rach

Is it just easier to stay?

Well, it's probably quite obvious that I'm not 100% happy here. Because I've pretty much decided to do the massage course it's made me contemplate leaving sooner, just that extra little push to get me out of here I spose.

Yesterday it was really busy at lunch, a fuse blew in the kitchen, then the microwave packed it in & 17 walked out. I tell ya, it really is such a joy to be there... & lets not mention the boss & tbw arguing. N is been her usual self but I found out form one of the other girls that works with us (cause N stops talking when I'm around) that she's had enough too & that she's thinking of leaving. In a rear instance N did talk to me & was like - I just can't handle all this negativity all the time. I just about laughed, she's so negative anyway... Problem is if she didn't have such issues with me we'd probably get on rather well, it's a shame really.

I was talking to S today about staying or leaving & the whole thing about 17 & I having a blow up came into conversation. Guess what the boss said... "Well, if they don't sort it out I'll just sack Rachel". Man, he can get stuffed. I'm pretty sure that tomorrow I'm going to tell him that I'm leaving. 60hours a week & all the stuff that goes on there just isn't worth it. I'm not a big fan of the whole confrontation thing... The boss won't care but I'm pretty sure tbw is going to be pissed off...

What am I going to do if I'm not there??? God I hate the whole decision making thing. Rough plan: Tell them tomorrow I'm leaving... Head down to London on Thursday afternoon to meet up with some of the guys I traveled up the east coast of Oz with. Come back here Sunday or Monday depending if they want me back at work... I'll give them a weeks notice I spose? Then head up to Scotland...??? Then travel round England? Then over to Ireland... Then who knows what... Christmas somewhere... Then over to Europe... Maybe Denmark before that, I really don't know...

I feel so fickle or wishy washy for saying that I was going to leave before then not doing so then now saying I'm going to leave again... The next 5 weeks leading up to Christmas at work are probably going to be the busiest ever & I feel soooo guilty for wanting to leave. Honestly though if I think it's shit now, there is no way its going to get better. The boss is a moron, we have capacity for 100 people. He's booked a function, a proper sit down meal, for 100 people & expects it to go smoothly. There's no way the kitchen can do it. With 17 having walked out 2 agency chef's that don't give really give a shit TBW is back in the kitchen... Let alone the kitchen just isn't big enough to cope with it.

Today, I haven't left the house! I've loved just having a lazy day. Pancakes for breakfast, well - lunch really, chatted with S for a bit & have chilled out watching telly. The perfect Sunday :)

Hanley, Stoke-On-Trent, England - Sunday 21st November 2004, 9.21pm

It's late Friday night...

... And I should be out partying!!!! But I'm not cause I don't know anyone here to go out with. So instead I had a quick double vodka & pineapple at work before the cab came & currently I have what I think would be a triple vodka & pineapple sitting next to me while I watch a DVD & type this. Great Friday night huh!?

I feel like I haven't been out in months. I managed to stay really really pissed off until about 6pm then I kinda snapped out of it. 17 was in a foul mood this afternoon, cause I was annoyed at him I think & it actually made me laugh, I know, I'm strange. He didn't understand why I was pissed off with him & was like "was it wrong of me to ask you to clean the muscles" & I was like "no not at all but after the 3rd time I'd said no, yes it was". I'm not in the kitchen anymore! YAY!!! Mo is back form holiday on Monday & they will have 2 chef's in at lunch tomorrow so I don't need to be there :) I'm not to sure about the new chef's, they're really cool but the presentation of the food isn't looking as good as usual, it's not my place to say anything so we'll see what happens.

Tonight some cute boys were in. It's funny though, I get the feeling that most of the time people look at me & think "she's just a bar maid". It makes me want to scream "I've traveled half way round the world & seen so much, probably have more money than u & own a investment property so stuff you". But really it doesn't matter what they think.... I don't really care. I just want a cute boy to have fun with...

Tonight a lady asked me where I got my top from, she said it was really nice :) Go Rach! 3pounds form the markets! What a buy :) It makes my boobs look really good too!


great cleaveage! :) 


My top, but my boobs look saggy cause I'm stretching to take the photo! :) 

But alas the only male interest was from James one of the regulars...Not quite my cup of tea :) But he did buy me a rose.

Going to go eat ice-cream, drink vodka & watch a DVD

xox

Hanley, England, Friday 19th November 2004, 11.59pm

Last night I watched a couple of DVD's & had a few drinks. I had the best sleep.

So fucken pissed off!

The funny thing is I've actually calmed down but are still so pissed off! The reason I'm pissed off isn't really all that logical either it's more just the last straw.

This txt I sent to S pretty much sums it up but he can go get stuffed to at the moment too.

Me - "Hi, I'm so pissed off & just wanted to rant! Hope you don't mind. I've been stuck in the fucken kitchen for the last 2 weeks cleaning up after everyone & 17's like u can do the muscles this afternoon, I said no, I'll finish cleaning then I'm going. He's arranged for N to do dishes & me to do muscles. I'm not doing them. No one gives a shit that I didn't sign up to be in the kitchen or that I've been doing all the shit jobs for the last 2 weeks! My fingers are even starting to split. I feel like quitting!"

Don't even get me started on his reply - "Not going so well today then?"

My response when I read the reply was "Fuck you too" followed by the phone been chucked on to the counter...

The thing is that 2 new chef's started on Tuesday so it's not like they are bloody short handed - 1 of them can do it. 17 is just a prat, its not bad enough I've been bloody cleaning up after him for the last few weeks. He also feels like he can give me all the shit jobs. Cleaning muscles really sucks. Hopeful I'll get fired. We stop serving food at 2.30, I've been doing all the baggetts & prep, today orders stopped coming in about 2.10, so I thought stuff it. Instead of sitting down & having lunch, I cleaned the kitchen finished off the dishes & walked out at 3pm while everyone else was sitting down patting each other on the back - man, they all talk some shit! N was the only one who saw me leave, it was pretty much just "Bye" & I walked out. It honestly looked like she didn't know what to do, quite classic really :) I didn't tell anyone I was going. They can all get stuffed! Funny thing is they will all think I'm been childish which sucks but I don't care, they all have their heads so far stuck up their asses it's not funny. It's hard enough to keep myself motivated to get out of bed to turn up there everyday. I said I'd stay till Christmas so I'll see if I can last... but lets just say if I was fired it wouldn't be the end of the world :D

Not sure if this is a good thing or not but first place I headed (stormed) to was Tescos (supermarket) & I now have a bottle of vodka & carton of pineapple juice waithing for me in the fridge. Couldn't possibly let them go to waste... Looks like I might be getting drunk for the first time by myself, this I think, is a very sad day but I'll live ;) hehehe

same shit place, England, Thrusday 18th November, 4.25pm

Just a quickie ;)

All is right with the world. Nothing much in my life has change in the last few days but I'm content again. For now anyway. Who was it that said Libra's are balanced? Up one minute down the next is more like it & believe me it's pretty bloody annoying!

Decisions, decisions, well I 'think' I've decided to do the massage course. Let's put it this way I'm going to do it unless a better offer comes along. I just need to sort stuff out. Reality has hit & I've realised that if I study I'm not going to be able to afford my 15th floor studio apartment with fantastic city views, spa, lap pool, gym & concierge. This kinda bites... You will never know how much I love(d) that apartment. No, really. When I was deciding if I wanted to travel that was one huge sticking point, I really didn't want to leave my apartment.

Hmmm what else... When I get home I want to have the biggest party & I want EVERYONE I know there & I want to have a fantastic night & get very drunk & sleep with... Sorry I'll stop there. I should have stopped thinking about that boy a long time ago but he still creeps up on me, he was after all pretty good in bed.

Is it just me or do the majority of my posts turn to rants about sex? Must try & stop that...

Oh & another thing I've realised is that I don't do chit chat very well. Don't know what bands are cool, much about music (except what I like & what I don't), don't really care about politics, know jack all about sports, plus in all honestly, can't be bothered going to someone "so how bout those insert fav sports team here'?" Don't think I make a very good bar maid...

Well sleep time again :) Tomorrow night off (Thursday). Oh & last night I ended up buying some tea light candles, bubble bath & bath salts & soaking for a hour reading a girly mag. It was great! :) My legs still ache but what can ya do!

Night, night...

Hanley, England, Wednesday 17th November 2004 sorry, Thursday 18th Nov, 12.35am

Getting closer to middle age...

I know this sounds stupid but man, I'm 28. It just dawned on me the other day that I'm actually getting old...er. The people that I look at in their late 20's early 30's that come in to the bar trying to look young that don't really have a life... Could that be me! I've never really thought about it before.

I've been looking at guys, the young ones that is, 20, 21, then looking at guys more in my age bracket & thinking "the older ones". That's me! One of "the older one". Shit.

The people I was out with on Sunday are 7 - 12 ish years older than me & I should be quite capable of getting on with them, which I do but I spose I 'was' the one kicking leaves. It's just what you do when they fall on the ground in big piles whilst wearing high heels, k, & marveling at how pretty the bare trees were against the sky... I get along better with people I work with that are 10 - 11 years younger than me... Is this immaturity or as people get older do they forgot to enjoy life... I don't ever want to get old. Physically I don't care but I always want to stay young at heart & kick leaves & jump in puddles.

Well actually thinking about it the thing that started me with the whole age thing was cause N, the girl I work with, asked someone 10 years younger than me if he fancied me & he was like "of course not" & N was like "not at all?" & he was like "No". I don't care that he doesn't fancy me but the whole ego thing kicked in & I felt like going "why don't u fancy me - is it cause I'm OLD?!" Hahaha, I crack my self up! :D

Welcome to my world :D I spose I find it strange cause I don't usually think in the whole age type mind set. People are people regardless of age...

Still trying to figure out the best way to travel in Europe & it's going to be bloody expensive! Trying to decide when to go home - Feb for the massage course or April for god knows what... I've decided that I'd like to get back to reality. I've had enough of traveling by myself. Don't get me wrong, there's so much more of the world I want to see but I don't want to do it on my own, it's to hard & takes to much strength. I just don't have it in me at the moment. I think I'll just pull through with Scotland, England, Ireland & Europe before coming home... I hope so... Plus really, I've seen & experienced so much in the last 7 months, 19 countries I think 3 or 4 continents, sensory overload...?

Hmmm, what to do with one's life... Really if you think about it, does it really matter? Things have a way of working them selves out... I truly believe this so how can I spend so much of my time wondering about the 'what ifs'? I is one strange cookie.

Well, as per usual need sleep.


xoxox

Hanley, England, Tuesday 16th November 2004, 12.36am

Smile!!!

Bottom of my tongue stud :) 


Brought this 4 my belly today so it'd match my tongue - I know I'm a spastic! 


my tat, it's really very small. 


Me tonight... feeling a bit down... not a great photo, took it with the web cam. 


me trying 2 take a photo of me with short hair. Kinda forgot about the flash :) 

Feeling lonely...

Don't know why. I went to the movies tonight with S, TBW, & 17. 17 was in one strange mood & barley said one word to me. Then he went off & S, TBW & 2 of their friends & I went to dinner at a Thai restaurant which was nice. Funny isn't it that you can spend a whole evening with people yet still feel alone. This is something that will never cease to amaze me. I'd thought that we'd probably go to a pub for a drink after the movie but it was just dinner then home...

I don't want to feel down & I spose I don't really, just missing that connection with people... I know I've got friends out there so there really is no need for me to feel alone but I do, right now, at this very moment. I know it'll pass, it's probably cause I have had a few drinks...

So. What's on my mind? Apart form been in desperate need of a cute boy to do rude things to! I only gotten to use my tongue stud out on Joel... Actually, due to lack of sex, could that be why my boobs are getting bigger, hmmm? Sorry, got side tracked, what's on my mind... Deciding weather or not to be back in Sydney for the beginning of Feb in order to do a massage therapy course that ultimately isn't going to help me with the idea of starting up a hostel but it's something that I'm interested in & that I 'think' I really want to do. Just don't know. What happens if I start it then don't finish it & aren't any good at it and fail...?

Oh & I figured out how to post photos on to this page :) So there's one of me but it looks like I've got something on my lip... Not the greatest photo but such is life :o) - EDIT have added a few more pics now I've figured out how to use it.

EDIT: forgot to mention that I didn't get very far today. Was hoping to go out & do some sight seeing but the buses run quite far apart on a Sunday so I ended up going to the museum, which was quite good & shopping :)

Same old, same old... England, Sunday 14th November 11.56pm

I found my watch :)

I snuggled down in bed to go to sleep & what did my little toes bump into...? My watch! :D

Yesterday I took a break at work and sat down for 10min & decided to figure out my life - yeah right! Anyway this is what I've come up with...

The Grand Plan:

Be happy :)
Make enough money 2 live & be happy

Short Term:
Stay here till Christmas
Meet cute boy to have fun with
Travel & see as much of area as possible
End up at home next April(?)

Next Year:
a) End of June come back to England, London, & work - get a proper job & earn some serious $$'s(pounds, haha)

b) Stay @ home...
April go 2 WA visit mates in Brissie
Look into opening own business.
Do massage course (?)
Do business management/small business course
Work part time...

Things I want to do:
Go through photos & choose which ones I want to blow up (hehehe)
Email travel agent & find out if any quick tours of Europe in winter...
Look into getting home for start of massage course at Nature Care College...? Mid Feb? - looked on their web site but it's not up :(
Find out what accountant needs to do last years tax return & if he already has enough to submit it...
Find out if my financial advisers help with new business - if they recommend to keep investment property or not.

Wow, it feels so good to re read/type all of that. I feel like I'm back! I'm happy again. Life is good. Gotta go to work now... I told him I wasn't starting till 11.30 today. Stuff the long hours they kill & my legs ache! Only 6 weeks to go!!! :D

Hanley, England, Saturday 12th November 2oo4, 10.35am

I can't find my watch :(

I'm a bit annoyed about this but I spose it'll turn up... Last night. I went shopping & brought jeans - from the kids section! Hehehe :o) I think it's hilarious! They are still way to long though but such is life. Oh & I also got my hair cut. It's now short... Don't really care anymore, it looks ok, spose it'll take a bit to grow on me but I've had it short b4 so its not that big a deal.

Ummm, as per usual my brains not functioning so I'm gonna go to sleep. I wasn't going to post the following but what the hell, everything else goes here so I might as well keep it all in one place. I wrote this a week or so ago & have written others I haven't posted so when I get a chance I may post them too...

night night

Saturday 14th November 2004, 12.10am

-------------------------

Thursday 4th Nov 2004
Hanley, England
THINKING…

So many things are on my mind at the moment. I freaked my self out the other night (Tuesday). I was trying t‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏o think back about the good times The ex & I used to have (I have trouble remembering them but are sure they are there) & I got to thinking about the night before we split. How he ‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏tried to dance with me, we were at a family friends 21st, & I suppose kinda make up with me but how I kept turning him away, how he kept drinking & drink‎‎‎ing & got really drunk… I cried about it again last night. I haven't cri‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎ed about my marriage in months. ‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎

I think watching the boss & tbw marriage fall apar‎t has started me thinking about mine again. In saying that though I just don't understand,, I've beeen thinking about it, not dwelling on it, but it's always been there… I thought I was over it & I really don't understand how I can't be…

I'm lonely… but I think that's partly my fault. I think I've managed to build ‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏my walls so high that very few people get in on a deeper level. At the tarot reading I had the other week, she said something along the same lines. It's funny, I always thought that I was so open but really I don't t‏‏‏‏‏‏hink I am in certain situations. I'm scared of putting myself out there & are chasing things that I know won't fulfill, me therefore I won't get hurt.

It's like I'm looking for excuses to deviate or direct my 'path'. I'm pretty sure that's what happened with The ex. I wasn't happy, wasn't doing well at uni & was convinced I loved him, which I might well have done. So I turned my life upside down & moved to a different country. What was I running away form? What am I running away form, or to, now

The Celestine prophecy says about coincidences aren't really coincidences, they are things that happen for a reason… So how do I know if these things are meant to be of if they are a result of me not having dealt with my issues.

I believe my issues to be:
o Feeling like I will never be able to live up to the expectations I think my mum has for me. Realistically I know she is very proud of ‏‏me but she can really push my buttons – I don't know why, stems form childhood.
o Scared of commitment
o Scared of turning in to someone I don't like again
o Not wanting to be alone anymore‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎
o Angry at myself for not been able to be happy alon‏‏‏‏‏e…
o Unable to swit‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏ch off… (no where near as bad as I used to be).
o Not fully been able to live 'in the moment'.
o Desire to know what my purpose is… & not be able to just accept things as they are & not question them.

Even things like trying to figure out why I'm in a certain place at a certain time. Wanting to know all the answers…

I think I'm fooling myself, thinking that if I found someone then I'd be happy. Logically I know that 'finding someone' isn't the answer but then why do I have this yearning? Is it just cause I don't feel like I have any real connections here? I don't think it is. I think even if I was at home I'd be feeling the same…

I went for a massage yesterday. I'd booked TBW in for it, then at the last minute she decided she didn't want to go. So her loss was my gain, the massage was awesome. It uses hot & cold volcanic rocks that have been tumbled & was really nice. I'm thinking that I'm going to go back & see him again. He does a lot of holistic healing & I'm thinking that's what I need at the moment. In the m‏‏‏‏‏‏‏assage he said something like "you do this really good impression of been care free & happy. Buts what's all this stress in t‎‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏his area?" touchi‏ng to my middle back. To which I responded something like "yeah, most of the time I even do a really good job fooling myself that I'm happy & care free…" I should be.‏‏‏ W‎‎hy aren't I?! I think the massage yesterday has brought up quite a few things that I've managed to keep below the surface for a while.

I've been avoiding writing about a certain subject. This reminds me of a reading I had with a lady in New Zealand, she told me not to be afraid to write things down. I used to censor everything I wrote; I still do to a certain extent but aren't anywhere near as bad. Last night I was chatting to one of the regulars, & I was telling him that I was thinking about headin‎g to London for the weekend. He asked why & I said that I wanted to pick up some clothes & for a shag… He came up with "why do you have to go there, isn't there anyone round here etc" to which I said "no". Then he said "don't you think that you might be hurting someone's feelings…" he confused me b‏ut I think I know who he was talking about‏‏‎‎. I've thought about this person in that way which is what scares me but I'm pretty sure he has feelings for someone else, even though they probably won't eventuate & they'll just remain the best of friends. It reminds me to much of the situation I was in with The ex & I won't put myself there again…..

To the special people in my life

I received this email today form my step mum. I think it expands on my favorite thought nicely :o)

"Here it goes:

People come into your life for a Reason, a Season, or a Lifetime. When you know which one it is for a person, you will know what to do for that person.


When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this
person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life!"

Things that make me smile:

-Waking up & deciding to stay in bed.

- Waking up & having a text message waiting for me form my friends telling me how much they miss me. This however is a catch 22 cause it also breaks my heart cause I miss them just as much...

- This is going to sound stupid but... I love it when I have to give 85p change. You use all of the silver coins :o) 5p, 10p, 20p & 50p. It should so be cents but well, I'm in England after all. I told a lady she had to pay $30 last night instead of pounds & she looked at me strange so I quickly corrected myself.

- Cute boys coming into the bar. This does not happen often but it did last night & I've realised I've forgotten how to flirt!

- That I hate all my clothes but that I still leave the house & don't quite care about it as I once did.

- Comments, comments, comments. I'm a attention whore & love it when people write little notes on this page.

Things that make me frown:

- I have to get out of bed now & get ready to go to work...

same old, same old, England Thursday 11 November 2004

Like a Teacher!?!?!?!

What the??? The chef at work (17 we'll call him) said I'm like a teacher. I've been working in the kitchen he gives me shit all day & we laugh & muck around which is cool. Then tonight after the kitchen closed, 17 was at the bar, & I gave him some sass about him wanting me to serve him & he said again that I'm like a teacher & N (girl I work with) agreed... 17 said it's cause I'm patronizing & condescending but I think he's just winding me up... Interesting tho :o)

For the first time EVER, well the last month & a bit, N didn't bother me today! I've had a great day & are bloody tired now but none the less happy for a change. I decided to stay at work till we closed so that N could finish early & finally do something out side of work. It wasn't to bad, I got away just before 11.30pm, I started at 10am but had about a hour & a half in breaks.

Oh & I've learnt a great technique. Does anyone else get that mindless chatter going on inside there heads? Or am I really just crazy? hehehe. Sometimes I find it very hard to switch off & stop thinking (better description I think), yesterday as part of some other stuff I was trying to get to the bottom of I learnt that if you let your jaw go slack & relax your tongue it stops the chatter... Very cool me thinks & it's actually worked! Now, is this mind over matter? Because you think it's going to work it does or does it actually just work... Can you tell I'm tired? :)

Ummm what else. Think I've finally found a pair of Jeans!!! This is really exciting. I took off for about a hour to the shops between 3.30 & 4.30. No fire alarm / evacuation today. Did I mention last night I went shopping & there was a evacuation form the shopping centre? Anyway, the reason I went shopping last night was cause I wanted to go out but I tried all my pants & they all look crap, every single pair! All of my clothes are gross. I am so untrendy & unclassy it's not even funny. Which leads me to another exciting piece of news - I think my boobs are getting bigger again! YAY!!!! The reason this comes to mind is I thought I was putting on weight & it was just natural weight distrubition going to my boobs but the jeans I'm going to buy are size 8! I'm usually about a 10 so I spose that means I haven't put on that much weight... Just body shape changing...? At the bar I'm using my arms a lot more which may be building the musels behind my boobs...? Good theary me thinks, even if I'm just talking crap hehehe.

Important question. Should I get my hair cut & go short & straight or stay the same? Not super short still a bit of length. My hair is driving me crazy at the moment. If you click on the links you'll get a bit of a idea. The first photo is from when I had my hair blow dried on my b'day,I'd get it cut a tad shorter... The other photo I've just realised was taken over a year ago! I'm the one on the right, I still pretty much look the same. So if anyone actually reads this page I'd love some feed back, please :o)

Eve honey, sorry haven't replied to your email, will do tomorrow. Bad you're felling sick again. Sending lots of good & get well vibes your way. Miss ya spunk.

Oh & one more thing, how old is to old? If he's old enough to be my father but has a naughty twinkle in his eye & is kinda good looking, is it a no goer? He asked me out for dinner a few weeks ago (when I was still hoping something would happen with Joel) & I told him I was busy with the cubs talk (which I was). He hasn't asked again but tonight he was speaking French to me to which I responded in Spanish just to be difficult. He then told me I was beautiful in Spanish... Hmmmm... thinking... thinking... thinking...

Sleep time. Want to go buy my jeans tomorrow so I'll have to get up early or then again I could do it after work... Didn't get them today cause I looked in my purse & I'd forgotten to get money out & was in a rush to get back to work.

Night, night.

Place where the Soap Oprah still continues, Thursday 11th November 2004, 12.30am

Feeling a bit more normal!

It was so cool to catch up with my friend Nat on Sunday!!! We proceeded to talk, drink vodka & eat take away. It's the best night that I've had in ages. I'm kicking myself for not catching up with her sooner. It was just nice to be around someone real again, don't know if that makes sense, but I know what I mean :D

I've been working in the kitchen again this week. Mo went on holiday on Thursday so I've been doing part of her job since she left (think I've mentioned it before(?)). She basically does all of the baggetts & salads at lunch. I'm starting work a hour & a half earlier & I was sooo happy yesterday the boss said to me you go at 9 cause you've been in the kitchen etc. I ended up leaving about 10pm but it was just the fact that he actually acknowledged that I'd been there & deserved to leave early... It made my day.

tonight's my night off & I'm going to try & get a early night, even though its just about 11.30 already! :D

Tuesday 9th November 2004, 11.25pm

Please Explain!

How is it that during the day I think of all these cool things to write about then when I sit down, sorry - lounge in bed with my laptop on my knees, to write, they all disappear.

Although one thing that dawned on me today is that I'm a hypocrite. If you look over to the right hand side of this page, under Important things I've learnt, # 2 reads "LIFE'S TO SHORT TO WASTE ON THINGS YOU 'THINK' YOU SHOULD BE DOING". Hmmm, where am I & what am I doing again...? Last night I got home, proceeded to break down & cry cause I was so exhausted, I then ran a bath & soaked in it for about 45 minutes, not something I'd usually do on a Friday night after midnight, when like all normal people I should either A)be incredibly drunk trying to pick up B)watching DVD's... Or C)Already in bed... ;) My legs were killing me though, calves especially, spose they're not used to the whole standing on them form 10am till 12pm thing, with breaks totaling no more than 1.5 hours for the whole day. Not even one real "Thanks Rach for helping out in the kitchen while Mo's away"... Fuck them all I say :) I hate been a adult. Have said I'd stay so will honor my word till Christmas then get the hell outta here.

On to happier things. I TALKED TO EVE YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! As you can tell I was very excited bout it!!!!!! It so made my day, no, strike that, it made my week!!!! I talked to her quite early in the day & I think the high actually managed to get me through most of the day. Miss her like crazy.

Ummm, to tired to think now. Brain no longer wants to function. Must go.

Here, Sunday, 7th November 2004, 2.04am

Planning again!

Instead of writing a long rambling post last night I was busy on the internet looking up how I'm going to fit as much travel in as possible as cheaply as possible :) It's tours again which sucks a little but I figure I won't get the same group of people I was with in Africa so it'll be cool... Right?! Plus I'm only looking at short tours so it's not like I'm stuck for 5 weeks :) I've posted the plan of attack on my trip page

Ummm...

- Was grumpy yesterday, now I'm not, probably will be again today

- I get annoyed that I let people affect my moods...

- Girl at work is once again driving me insane

- Feel guilty, AGAIN, for taking my night off last night.

- People placing restrictions on friendships, because of others, sucks! Its happening all around me...

- I hate wanting a boy...

- Working here will only save me enough money to travel in Scotland, England & Ireland, for a month, with maybe a tiny bit left over.

- Think I'll have to go back to Aussie dollar for traveling in Europe...

- Working in a bar is hard work, sitting in front of a PC in a office can be taxing on the brain & stressful but I've realised I prefer it. Although I must admit my arm muscles have never looked better! :o)

Gotta go get ready for work... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO :( Really, it's not that bad - just think, I had 7months of having to do nothing, well traveling isn't nothing, now it's turned into having to do something. Regardless of what it was I think I'd hate it :)

Soap still goes on, Wednesday 3rd November 10.30am

Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy

Today has been great. I'm back to happy :) I'm finally feeling back in control of things. Since I got here I haven't really had the desire to get my ass into gear & sort out where I want to go & what I want to see. I thought I'd lost the travel bug but today I was like, ok, I want to see this, this & this. Last night I looked up a few hop on, hop off bus services for Europe & I think I'll finally get myself sorted & open up the lonely planet.

Problem is I don't think I have enough time. India & Asia are going to have to wait. I think this trip I'll plan to see most of Europe & Britain & leave the rest for another trip. In saying that though I'm scared I'll never get the opportunity to do it again. Dam the 1 year restriction on the ticket. If you think about it though South America, Africa, The Middle East & Britain/Europe is a lot of ground to cover in a year. Especially when I'm stopping in one place for 3 months. After I finish working at Christmas that will leave me 2 - 3 months to travel in Europe, at a really bad time of year, looking at the bright side of things though at least it will be cheaper :)

I figure I've got 2 months left here. One WHOLE weekend I'm going to spend in London meeting up with friends I traveled round oz with. I've arranged to have the Friday, Saturday & Sunday off :) that leaves 7 Sunday's that I can jump on trains & things to go visit places & see things. I'm excited that I feel like planning again & feel like getting the most out of been here.

Nat, I have to see you!!!! I can't believe that you're so close I've been here a month & we still haven't caught up.

Umm what else. The girl I work with, who we'll call 'A', was great today, we actually joked around & had a bit of fun. She can be pretty cool, I really don't see why we don't get on... TBW came into work today, she's looking so much more relaxed & better for getting out of the place. She spent the whole day in the office trying to sort out the tills & things. We're over 500 pounds out (I don't have the pound symbol on my laptop...). I left it up to A to sort out tills & things when TBW was away, it was just easier not to try & get involved & rock the boat. She seemed to know what she was doing plus she has the key to the safe etc quite honestly, a responsibility that I'm quite happy not to have. Anyway, A has been leaving her keys (we have one for the till each & she has the safe key) everywhere & at night she's been putting it in the draw under the safe... hmmm not the best place to keep it me thinks but once again don't want to rock the boat. So now the tills short TBW thinks that one of the cooks in the kitchen who we'll call 'M' is helping himself. M lives on the premises. M's girlfriend arrived in England a few weeks ago & since then he's slacked off & is trying to play the boss & TBW off against each other. It's all very interesting & there's so much more to it but really all I want is for A to stay how she was today then I'll be soooo happy! TBW wants to show us both how the till system works tomorrow. I don't want to compete with A but TBW keeps showing me things & most of it's pretty straight forward & I don't have a problem with it. S was saying that A can't count, when he was there whenever she did the tills they were out... This puts me in a awkward situation. Want A to stay happy but also want to help TBW so she doesn't have to stick round quite as much...

Well must sleep... Think I'll email Joel... What can it hurt...

The never ending story, Tuesday 2nd November 1.15am

Its Monday.

Meaning that I have to get out of bed, have a shower & get myself organised to go to work... :( This whole working thing. I'm not a fan.

On the bright side though, I did have yesterday off & I went shopping & brought shoes (so much for making the most of my time here to see the sights, oops). They are dark brown HEELS & they kinda make me feel sophisticated again. "Good-bye sneakers" when I go out, you really don't know how much this excites me, no, really you don't. They were 20pounds, not that I'll probably ever get the chance to where them cause I always seem to be at work but who cares! They are cute.

On the down side, I was actually looking for a nice smart pair of jeans, as opposed to the 2 baggy comfortable pairs that I already have. I hate shopping for jeans!!! All the 'short/petite' styles suck & all the cool styles that I like with the bootleg, well, cause I'm so bloody short the boot leg flare thing gets cut off when they're taken up. Obviously it sucks to be me when shopping for jeans!

That is all. Must get ready for work :( I DON'T WANT TO GO!

Soap Oprah Central, Monday 1st November 2004 (pinch & a punch...) 10.19am