Rush, Rush, Rush...

In Berlin now. Just got here, sight seeing tomorrow. Prague yesterday was fantastic, Venice a few days b4 that was amazing... So much to write, not enough time. I so can´t wait to get home & stop but more about that later...

Changed my flights... Will be home at 6.10am on the 8th of Jan 2005. That spins me out, "2005". Ummm, oh, I´m back on my Oz no. so if anyone´s trying to txt me on the UJK no. I´m not getting it.

Love & kisses xoxoxo & MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR too, I´ll be in Amsterdam - need I say more :o)

Berlin, Germany 29th December 2004, 7.46pm

Anyone have a time machine?

Three things you don't want to hear form a Dr when your in, ummm..., Switzerland... "Infection, fever, & bronchitis". Well, when you already think you're dying & wishing it would just hurry up & happen so at least the insurance would cover you getting home as soon as possible, I spose it's not the worst thing :) The best thing a Swiss doctor can say to you (in broken English of course) "3 days betta, medication" & then I can't remember another word he said. It was strange, he didn't even ask me what was wrong. I think the first words were "consultation" & that was a bout it. For the pleasure of visiting the Dr, who was old, & not even cute, it cost me 140 Swiss franks (maybe $250au?). Well worth it though. I'm still pretty sick but at least now I can function.

I won't even get started on getting lost on the way to the Dr's or how may times I cried from Monday morning till Wednesday morning cause it's just way to depressing. All I can say thank god for my mum & international txt messaging.

I've had enough of traveling. You want to hear something sad? I'm in Milan, yes Milan in Italy, & I'm much happier sitting inside a internet cafe doing this than looking at the pretty old buildings, learning stuff or even shopping (well, I'm going to look at the shops when I finish here). I don't care. Care factor has gone into the negative levels... I have to keep reminding myself that I'm sick & I'll snap out of it once I feel better. I'm not going to travel round England & Ireland when I get back to London, actually I'm still in 2 minds about it. I don't want to... But... Stuff it. I don't want to so I'm not going to. Man if worse comes to worse I can do a over 60's tour when I retire. Plus honestly, western English speaking countries don't really do it for me. Give me South America or the Middle East any day. So I'm going to come home & go crazy. Drive myself insane & then need to be locked up. I might pop up to the gold cost or do the sights in WA if I go to crazy. Five weeks at home before the course starts... I DON'T WANT TO BE A GROWED UP ANY MORE! I just want to lie in bed & have someone bring me chicken soup.

I think I'm talking crap... But then again I usually talk crap so it doesn't matter.

Oh, haven't updated for a bit... Friday night, when I was really angry with myself (BTW, don't give a shit anymore) I went back to the hostel & packed then instead of going to bed, cause that's what a smart person with a cold would do, I met some of the boys form the hostel at the pub down the road. I decided to only have a few, which I managed to do... At the pub. Problem was when the pub closed (at 11pm as most pubs do in England) someone brought out vodka at the hostel. What possessed me to do shots I can not tell you. I also can't say how many shots I actually had. Don't think the cold & flu tablets mixed to well... Not to worry cause they didn't stay down for long. I think I was still a little drunk when I got on the tube to meet up with the Europe tour at 6am... Made it ok, so all good.

Tour's ok. Lots of free time to do what you want which is good. I am enjoying it for the most part (yeah I know I'm contradicting myself). Everyone else is so full on "lets see this, lets see that". The best one I've heard is "I can't believe I'm traveling by myself". Ummm... YOUR NOT BY YOURSELF, YOUR ON A TOUR WHERE THEY HOLD YOUR HAND! "This hotel room isn't very good blah, blah, blah, blah, blah". SHUT-UP! YOU HAVE A BED DON'T YOU?!?! Sorry, I really am a very understanding person & for the most part can so understand what they're saying. Care factor though...?

Well, I've blabbed on for ages about not much (as per usual, HA!). Will update on my trip page too. Just cause I want to sit in the internet cafe instead of sight seeing :)

Should be home end of the first week or beginning of the second week of Jan... I'm scared shitless... but are way to tired to keep going...

Milan, Italy, Thursday 16th December 2004

SPASTIC!!!

I'm such a idiot! I've spent the last hour on the net trying to sort out what I'm going to do with myself cause I don't know what the access to internet will be like form tomorrow... So anyway, like I said I've spent the best part of a hour looking at tours of Ireland & trying to figure out how to get there form here & when. I thought I'd looked at everything & decided on catching a cheap flight for 30 pounds from London to Dublin on the 8/01/05 & returning on the 16/01/05. Cool?! Yeah right! I then look at the tour I want to do again & notice a London invader button - me thinking it's tours of London so I didn't look at it before - STUPID!!!! They actually arrange transport form London to Dublin. Meaning I wouldn't have to fart around with getting to airports etc cause they do it all for you!!!! So it's a extra 60pounds on top of the tour but that includes the bus & ferry there & a nights accommodation. It's going to cost me at least 10pounds each way to get to the airport & back in London, not sure how much in Dublin, so now only do I have to deal with the hassle by myself, it's going to cost me a extra 20pounds plus a nights accommodation! God I'm pissed off but I'll get over it.

10th dec, 8.30pm

Waste of a day…?

Today I got up with the best intentions of doing something with the day but alas, it was not meant to be… I spent about a ‎hour on the internet then went to boots & got some drugs… I feel like shit again today & have spent the majority of the day sleeping.

I'm feeling lost again & really there's no need… I hate feeling like this, it's probably just cause I'm feeling sorry for myself cause I'm sick… The next year is pretty much sorted, maybe that's what scarying me. I don't know what I want to do. I knew the massage course was what I wanted when I enrolled but now it's like, well, I could just as easily stay in London. I think it's just because I'm comfortable here, the reality is I don't really want to work here & get caught up in the whole drink your money away thing, I think I just don't want to move anymore. I'm afraid of studying next year. That's like a big commitment, plus am I actually going to be able to do it. I know I'm not stupid but man… well I don't know…

I got a txt form Portugal boy yesterday (I can never remember what I call him, don't know why I don't call him by his name…) he wanted to catch up today. I was slack & didn't respond. I don't really have the energy. That was just such a big ego thing it's not funny. It was an interesting lesson to learn though. Sometimes we get so caught up on little things. I really let my confidenance be shaken by that whole incedent & there was no need. It's funny how you let things get under your skin. How you only take the advice that you want to. I took the rejection so personally & there was no need. Even when he sent me the txt yesterday I was like" yay, he still wants me" even though I'm not really interested in him – it's slack, but it's what I thought…

Last night Simon that I met in Turkey called me. We were supposed to catch up today but he wasn't feeling well so we might catch up tonight. He was going to give me a buzz. It'd be nice to see him but I'm at that whole stage where it's in the" I don't really care basket". Everything seems to be getting filed in that basket at the moment. I'm so lacking motivation to do anything it's not funny. I am liking it here though, so it’s not like I'm down. It's just that I'm happy to cruise along at the moment. I can't explain it. Well, I've been in this room since just after 1pm, sleeping & listening to music, & it's now 6.30pm so I spose I should get up & make a move… Simon said he'd call around 6pm… I sooo can't be bothered, the funny thing is though that if he does call & says lets catch up I probably will. Is that been a door mat or just easy going? Is there a line? I know that Simon is a nice guy though… Care factor…

Earls Court, Thursday 9th December 2004, 6.33pm

... ???

My shoulder really, really, HURTS & my back kills! I don't want to be doing this anymore!!!! That's not 100% true. I just don't want to be sore‏, tired, or sick… I really thought my shoulder was ok, well ok'ish anyway & I've kinda tried to ignore it for the last little while cause there really is nothing I can do about it, a massage helps but it's still there. Dam that man for running in to me – it'll be 2 years in Feb since I was assaulted & the injury is still playing up. Before I left I'd anticipated more trouble with it, so I spose I really can't complain after 8 or 9 months on the road & only having a few niggles before now. I was standing on the tube this morning on the way back to the hostel, with all my gear, from Charing Cross to Earls Court, & I felt like crying. Not cause I'm sad or depressed, cause I'm not (believe it or not I'm quite happy…), but cause my shoulder hurt… I'm just weary. Really, really, weary. I'm a bit scared that when I'll get home I'll be the same. Honestly, the easy thing to do right now would be stay in London & get a job & not have to move for a while.

I'm glad I booked the tour of Europe cause I know at the moment there is no way I could do it by myself…..

The weekend was good. Met English people my age which was interesting, at one stage I kinda introduced myself to some of Kate's boyfriend's friends & I could tell they thought I was a bit strange & they only loosened up once they realized I wasn't from here. Oh & I almost wet myself laughing. Boys probably have never realized this but some girls do this thing where they look at you, then they look you up & down, it usually puts me in a shitty mood, cause it sucks. When I was walking out of the ladies Saturday night this girl did it to me & I laughed, I thought it was one of the funniest things I've seen in so long. Must admit it's been a while since its happened. It also made me realize what I've got in store for when I go home… The other thing that I thought was interesting was when I was introduced, people were like "Hi" but then when they found out I was form NZ/OZ they were quite interested to meet me… Strange, fickle or just human nature...

I think I need to go find a massage place now, may be internet first…

Earls Court, London, England – Monday 6th December 2004, 12.11pm

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away....

... Oh I believe in yesterday. Don't know where that came form, I wrote this last night but had to go so didn't finish it. Here's what I've got so far though xoxo

What a waste of a day… it's only 7.20pm (on a Friday night) & I feel like curling up & going to sleep. Granted I did get home, sorry - ‎‎ back to the hostel, at 8am this morning but I've done nothing at all today except go on the internet, eat lunch, chill out in the kitchen with some other guys staying here & eat dinner. I suppose the only thing that I did accomplish was calling British Airways & changing my ticket. I'll be home on Monday morning 7th of Feb… I leave here on the evening of the ‏‏5th, I think that'll be a long day...

I met someone that went to the same school as me today… How scary is that. I saw him the other night & thought I recgonised his face then today he was sitting in the kitchen for a bit with us & I asked him where he was form – "Hamilton" then I asked him what school he went to… same as mine, I think he was either a year higher or below me. This type of coincidence wouldn't usually hold any kind of bearing, but… we didn't go to a normal type of school… Nothing kinky, just a rather strict religious school. I think he freaked out when I asked him what school he went to. I know for a split second I freaked out a bit when I saw him given my current life style. We didn't really chat it was a bit bizzar.

Now why did I get home at 8am this morning? Cause I have no will power. Met up with the boy I met in Portgual last night… Firstly I met up with Helen & Kim so by the time he got to the pub I was already a little tipsey. He wasn't even as nice looking as I remembered. I'm not sure why I ended up going home with him… I think it's just cause it was easy. I hadn't planned on it, I'd actually decided not to but then at the end of the night he was like are you coming back to my place for a drink & I was like "why not". I'm not going to go into it all, all that needs to be said is that Joel is still number 1 & it wasn't earth shattering but I've got something that I do need to get off my chest.

No matter what it always seems to come back to blow jobs, may be I'm a little fixated, I don't know how else to say it... There should be rules, Guys if you trust a girl enough to give you a blow job, let her do it, keep your dam hands away, give up the control!!!!

Have to go, be warned there will be more on this topic!

Earls Court, London, England Saturday 4th december 2004

Withdrawal

I MISS THE INTERNET! Sad isn't it. I feel so out of touch now. I knew it would be like this but 'spose I'll get used to it again.

Not much happening, other than what I've written on my trip page. Had a blast in London. I've been drinking too much though. Will try & see if I can go at least a
few days with out alcohol. Although, tomorrow night I'm meeting up with boy I met in Portgual for a drink... Should be interesting! Are freaking out a little but I'm sure it'll be fine. Feels strange 'cause I didn't konw him that well but we did get on...then the whole kiss thing... I'm such a stresser! 'spose some things will never change but at least I can laugh about it :)

It's been great in Wales. Rhi's parents are lovely & it's made me a tad home sick. I can't wait to get home now. I've just been trying to figure out my plans & everything is so full on, only 9ish weeks till I should be home...

It's feels so good to not be at the pub - I'm free again! :)

Love to everyone, sorry for rushed emails (or lack there of!)

Newport, Wales - 1st December 2004, 11.35pm