I can't find my watch :(
I'm a bit annoyed about this but I spose it'll turn up... Last night. I went shopping & brought jeans - from the kids section! Hehehe :o) I think it's hilarious! They are still way to long though but such is life. Oh & I also got my hair cut. It's now short... Don't really care anymore, it looks ok, spose it'll take a bit to grow on me but I've had it short b4 so its not that big a deal.
Ummm, as per usual my brains not functioning so I'm gonna go to sleep. I wasn't going to post the following but what the hell, everything else goes here so I might as well keep it all in one place. I wrote this a week or so ago & have written others I haven't posted so when I get a chance I may post them too...
night night
Saturday 14th November 2004, 12.10am
-------------------------
Thursday 4th Nov 2004
Hanley, England
THINKING…
So many things are on my mind at the moment. I freaked my self out the other night (Tuesday). I was trying to think back about the good times The ex & I used to have (I have trouble remembering them but are sure they are there) & I got to thinking about the night before we split. How he tried to dance with me, we were at a family friends 21st, & I suppose kinda make up with me but how I kept turning him away, how he kept drinking & drinking & got really drunk… I cried about it again last night. I haven't cried about my marriage in months.
I think watching the boss & tbw marriage fall apart has started me thinking about mine again. In saying that though I just don't understand,, I've beeen thinking about it, not dwelling on it, but it's always been there… I thought I was over it & I really don't understand how I can't be…
I'm lonely… but I think that's partly my fault. I think I've managed to build my walls so high that very few people get in on a deeper level. At the tarot reading I had the other week, she said something along the same lines. It's funny, I always thought that I was so open but really I don't think I am in certain situations. I'm scared of putting myself out there & are chasing things that I know won't fulfill, me therefore I won't get hurt.
It's like I'm looking for excuses to deviate or direct my 'path'. I'm pretty sure that's what happened with The ex. I wasn't happy, wasn't doing well at uni & was convinced I loved him, which I might well have done. So I turned my life upside down & moved to a different country. What was I running away form? What am I running away form, or to, now
The Celestine prophecy says about coincidences aren't really coincidences, they are things that happen for a reason… So how do I know if these things are meant to be of if they are a result of me not having dealt with my issues.
I believe my issues to be:
o Feeling like I will never be able to live up to the expectations I think my mum has for me. Realistically I know she is very proud of me but she can really push my buttons – I don't know why, stems form childhood.
o Scared of commitment
o Scared of turning in to someone I don't like again
o Not wanting to be alone anymore
o Angry at myself for not been able to be happy alone…
o Unable to switch off… (no where near as bad as I used to be).
o Not fully been able to live 'in the moment'.
o Desire to know what my purpose is… & not be able to just accept things as they are & not question them.
Even things like trying to figure out why I'm in a certain place at a certain time. Wanting to know all the answers…
I think I'm fooling myself, thinking that if I found someone then I'd be happy. Logically I know that 'finding someone' isn't the answer but then why do I have this yearning? Is it just cause I don't feel like I have any real connections here? I don't think it is. I think even if I was at home I'd be feeling the same…
I went for a massage yesterday. I'd booked TBW in for it, then at the last minute she decided she didn't want to go. So her loss was my gain, the massage was awesome. It uses hot & cold volcanic rocks that have been tumbled & was really nice. I'm thinking that I'm going to go back & see him again. He does a lot of holistic healing & I'm thinking that's what I need at the moment. In the massage he said something like "you do this really good impression of been care free & happy. Buts what's all this stress in this area?" touching to my middle back. To which I responded something like "yeah, most of the time I even do a really good job fooling myself that I'm happy & care free…" I should be. Why aren't I?! I think the massage yesterday has brought up quite a few things that I've managed to keep below the surface for a while.
I've been avoiding writing about a certain subject. This reminds me of a reading I had with a lady in New Zealand, she told me not to be afraid to write things down. I used to censor everything I wrote; I still do to a certain extent but aren't anywhere near as bad. Last night I was chatting to one of the regulars, & I was telling him that I was thinking about heading to London for the weekend. He asked why & I said that I wanted to pick up some clothes & for a shag… He came up with "why do you have to go there, isn't there anyone round here etc" to which I said "no". Then he said "don't you think that you might be hurting someone's feelings…" he confused me but I think I know who he was talking about. I've thought about this person in that way which is what scares me but I'm pretty sure he has feelings for someone else, even though they probably won't eventuate & they'll just remain the best of friends. It reminds me to much of the situation I was in with The ex & I won't put myself there again…..
Ummm, as per usual my brains not functioning so I'm gonna go to sleep. I wasn't going to post the following but what the hell, everything else goes here so I might as well keep it all in one place. I wrote this a week or so ago & have written others I haven't posted so when I get a chance I may post them too...
night night
Saturday 14th November 2004, 12.10am
-------------------------
Thursday 4th Nov 2004
Hanley, England
THINKING…
So many things are on my mind at the moment. I freaked my self out the other night (Tuesday). I was trying to think back about the good times The ex & I used to have (I have trouble remembering them but are sure they are there) & I got to thinking about the night before we split. How he tried to dance with me, we were at a family friends 21st, & I suppose kinda make up with me but how I kept turning him away, how he kept drinking & drinking & got really drunk… I cried about it again last night. I haven't cried about my marriage in months.
I think watching the boss & tbw marriage fall apart has started me thinking about mine again. In saying that though I just don't understand,, I've beeen thinking about it, not dwelling on it, but it's always been there… I thought I was over it & I really don't understand how I can't be…
I'm lonely… but I think that's partly my fault. I think I've managed to build my walls so high that very few people get in on a deeper level. At the tarot reading I had the other week, she said something along the same lines. It's funny, I always thought that I was so open but really I don't think I am in certain situations. I'm scared of putting myself out there & are chasing things that I know won't fulfill, me therefore I won't get hurt.
It's like I'm looking for excuses to deviate or direct my 'path'. I'm pretty sure that's what happened with The ex. I wasn't happy, wasn't doing well at uni & was convinced I loved him, which I might well have done. So I turned my life upside down & moved to a different country. What was I running away form? What am I running away form, or to, now
The Celestine prophecy says about coincidences aren't really coincidences, they are things that happen for a reason… So how do I know if these things are meant to be of if they are a result of me not having dealt with my issues.
I believe my issues to be:
o Feeling like I will never be able to live up to the expectations I think my mum has for me. Realistically I know she is very proud of me but she can really push my buttons – I don't know why, stems form childhood.
o Scared of commitment
o Scared of turning in to someone I don't like again
o Not wanting to be alone anymore
o Angry at myself for not been able to be happy alone…
o Unable to switch off… (no where near as bad as I used to be).
o Not fully been able to live 'in the moment'.
o Desire to know what my purpose is… & not be able to just accept things as they are & not question them.
Even things like trying to figure out why I'm in a certain place at a certain time. Wanting to know all the answers…
I think I'm fooling myself, thinking that if I found someone then I'd be happy. Logically I know that 'finding someone' isn't the answer but then why do I have this yearning? Is it just cause I don't feel like I have any real connections here? I don't think it is. I think even if I was at home I'd be feeling the same…
I went for a massage yesterday. I'd booked TBW in for it, then at the last minute she decided she didn't want to go. So her loss was my gain, the massage was awesome. It uses hot & cold volcanic rocks that have been tumbled & was really nice. I'm thinking that I'm going to go back & see him again. He does a lot of holistic healing & I'm thinking that's what I need at the moment. In the massage he said something like "you do this really good impression of been care free & happy. Buts what's all this stress in this area?" touching to my middle back. To which I responded something like "yeah, most of the time I even do a really good job fooling myself that I'm happy & care free…" I should be. Why aren't I?! I think the massage yesterday has brought up quite a few things that I've managed to keep below the surface for a while.
I've been avoiding writing about a certain subject. This reminds me of a reading I had with a lady in New Zealand, she told me not to be afraid to write things down. I used to censor everything I wrote; I still do to a certain extent but aren't anywhere near as bad. Last night I was chatting to one of the regulars, & I was telling him that I was thinking about heading to London for the weekend. He asked why & I said that I wanted to pick up some clothes & for a shag… He came up with "why do you have to go there, isn't there anyone round here etc" to which I said "no". Then he said "don't you think that you might be hurting someone's feelings…" he confused me but I think I know who he was talking about. I've thought about this person in that way which is what scares me but I'm pretty sure he has feelings for someone else, even though they probably won't eventuate & they'll just remain the best of friends. It reminds me to much of the situation I was in with The ex & I won't put myself there again…..
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