Waste of a day…?
Today I got up with the best intentions of doing something with the day but alas, it was not meant to be… I spent about a hour on the internet then went to boots & got some drugs… I feel like shit again today & have spent the majority of the day sleeping.
I'm feeling lost again & really there's no need… I hate feeling like this, it's probably just cause I'm feeling sorry for myself cause I'm sick… The next year is pretty much sorted, maybe that's what scarying me. I don't know what I want to do. I knew the massage course was what I wanted when I enrolled but now it's like, well, I could just as easily stay in London. I think it's just because I'm comfortable here, the reality is I don't really want to work here & get caught up in the whole drink your money away thing, I think I just don't want to move anymore. I'm afraid of studying next year. That's like a big commitment, plus am I actually going to be able to do it. I know I'm not stupid but man… well I don't know…
I got a txt form Portugal boy yesterday (I can never remember what I call him, don't know why I don't call him by his name…) he wanted to catch up today. I was slack & didn't respond. I don't really have the energy. That was just such a big ego thing it's not funny. It was an interesting lesson to learn though. Sometimes we get so caught up on little things. I really let my confidenance be shaken by that whole incedent & there was no need. It's funny how you let things get under your skin. How you only take the advice that you want to. I took the rejection so personally & there was no need. Even when he sent me the txt yesterday I was like" yay, he still wants me" even though I'm not really interested in him – it's slack, but it's what I thought…
Last night Simon that I met in Turkey called me. We were supposed to catch up today but he wasn't feeling well so we might catch up tonight. He was going to give me a buzz. It'd be nice to see him but I'm at that whole stage where it's in the" I don't really care basket". Everything seems to be getting filed in that basket at the moment. I'm so lacking motivation to do anything it's not funny. I am liking it here though, so it’s not like I'm down. It's just that I'm happy to cruise along at the moment. I can't explain it. Well, I've been in this room since just after 1pm, sleeping & listening to music, & it's now 6.30pm so I spose I should get up & make a move… Simon said he'd call around 6pm… I sooo can't be bothered, the funny thing is though that if he does call & says lets catch up I probably will. Is that been a door mat or just easy going? Is there a line? I know that Simon is a nice guy though… Care factor…
Earls Court, Thursday 9th December 2004, 6.33pm
I'm feeling lost again & really there's no need… I hate feeling like this, it's probably just cause I'm feeling sorry for myself cause I'm sick… The next year is pretty much sorted, maybe that's what scarying me. I don't know what I want to do. I knew the massage course was what I wanted when I enrolled but now it's like, well, I could just as easily stay in London. I think it's just because I'm comfortable here, the reality is I don't really want to work here & get caught up in the whole drink your money away thing, I think I just don't want to move anymore. I'm afraid of studying next year. That's like a big commitment, plus am I actually going to be able to do it. I know I'm not stupid but man… well I don't know…
I got a txt form Portugal boy yesterday (I can never remember what I call him, don't know why I don't call him by his name…) he wanted to catch up today. I was slack & didn't respond. I don't really have the energy. That was just such a big ego thing it's not funny. It was an interesting lesson to learn though. Sometimes we get so caught up on little things. I really let my confidenance be shaken by that whole incedent & there was no need. It's funny how you let things get under your skin. How you only take the advice that you want to. I took the rejection so personally & there was no need. Even when he sent me the txt yesterday I was like" yay, he still wants me" even though I'm not really interested in him – it's slack, but it's what I thought…
Last night Simon that I met in Turkey called me. We were supposed to catch up today but he wasn't feeling well so we might catch up tonight. He was going to give me a buzz. It'd be nice to see him but I'm at that whole stage where it's in the" I don't really care basket". Everything seems to be getting filed in that basket at the moment. I'm so lacking motivation to do anything it's not funny. I am liking it here though, so it’s not like I'm down. It's just that I'm happy to cruise along at the moment. I can't explain it. Well, I've been in this room since just after 1pm, sleeping & listening to music, & it's now 6.30pm so I spose I should get up & make a move… Simon said he'd call around 6pm… I sooo can't be bothered, the funny thing is though that if he does call & says lets catch up I probably will. Is that been a door mat or just easy going? Is there a line? I know that Simon is a nice guy though… Care factor…
Earls Court, Thursday 9th December 2004, 6.33pm
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