Warning: Really, really, really long boring post…
Char left about 30 minutes ago it was great to catch up. She brought a book over with her, The Worlds Most Dangerous Places. She’s not trying to freak me out, it’s one of those if forewarned is forearmed things… Anyway I’ve just been reading some of the key things in the book; dangerous places for tourists; know thine enemy; & how to beat the odds; & I’ve lapsed in to the “what in the hell do I think I’m doing mode!”
Man, I’m blond, have green eyes, florescent white skin & are of all of 4ft 11”, 49kg’s. Yeah, I’m not going to stick out in South America, Africa or the Middle East… Whatever! Shit, I really hope I’m not kidding myself here. I realised this before & I’m pretty sure I can do it, adopt the whole don’t fuck with me attitude, but right now I’m kinda wishing I didn’t have quite so much time to think about it…
Maybe I should really, really, really look into doing some kind of self-defence course…
I’m sitting here wishing I had someone to share how I’m feeling with. As much as I don’t want a partner/boyfriend or the complications that go with it, it’d be nice to have someone to off load to. That you don’t feel like you have to justify your feelings too. That you can just say this is what you’re feeling right now. That it’s going to change in 5 minutes, hell, probably in 5 second but someone to just to accept it. That all that’s needed is support & maybe a big hug.
Maybe that’s why I’ve gotten so addicted to writing in my blog…
I was going to go and meet up with Eve & Adam for drinks but there’re not in the city & I’m not really in the mood at the moment. Even though it’s probably what I need…
I just grabbed my conventional diary & the last time I wrote in it was on the 1.01.2004 at 11.59pm. Some of my new years resolution were/are:
1. To be happy!!!!!!
2. To travel
3. To not let people or things get to me
4. To have fun!!!!
5. No stress
6. Stay single
7. Don’t miss opportunities
I’ve just been reading through my diary (for the last hour…). It’s interesting some of the things you read. I started it in March last year, a week after my ex & I split. It’s funny how when you read your entries you can feel the emotions… These are some things that stuck out for me that show me how far I’ve actually come in the last year:
10 March 03
“Well, it’s been ages since I’ve written in a diary, it’s only when things go bad & there’s to much to cope with that it helps to write it all down.”
“Last Sunday we decided to take a break form each other – well, I should say I suggested it & he was happy to go along with it”
“I don’t really like the person I’ve turned into, I feel like I’m in my 40’s & that I’m this huge nag.”
“He said that he loves me but that he’s not in love with me, I can relate to that. I really miss him at the moment but at the same time it’s just easier to look after me.”
17 March 03
“I asked him what he wanted to do. He replied separate. I asked if 6 years doesn’t count… I asked him what I’d done & why he wouldn’t try & he said ‘how can I try at something I’ve already given up on’…”
*It still makes me angry. I don’t what to be with him, at all, but how can someone give up on a marriage so easily… you’re married for goodness sake, it’s not just a boyfriend / girlfriend thing... I still have issues with it.
“…I got up & made for the front door & asked if I could give him a hug. I did & pulled away then he pulled me back & hugged me again, then I kissed him & told him I loved him. I do love him but he’s made his choice, I broke down when he left, I practically crumbled.”
“In some ways I’m relieved that it’s over, it’s easier but it still really hurts.”
13 May 03
“I can say we won’t be getting back together”
“I’ve moved into a studio apartment across the road form work. I’m loving it! I was thinking in the spa tonight that everything seems surreal & I feel numb.”
Mid April “he said that he’s moved on with his life & that grille is now in it. I suppose I really don’t know how to feel”
30 June 03
“Who am I? I’ve realised that under all of my insecurities that I’m a pretty confidant person, I’m a great friend & conversationalist, I’m bubbly & friendly & full of life!”
“I think that I’ve forgiven him. It’s not up to me to stand in judgement of what’s happened between us and it’s not doing me any good to hold on to those feelings, I think that I’ve also forgiven myself.”
“You’re friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime”
4 August 03
“I really think that when you have love in your life, regardless if it’s family or a relationship, you do take it for granted. I think that I did. But now I find myself wondering if it was ever real anyway. I don’t think that I even knew the man that I was married to. That in it’s self is pretty devastating, I spose I just have to keep reminding myself that it was real & that things happen for a reason. ”
6 August 03
“I don’t want him, but it’s just not fair that he’s got someone and I don’t… I don’t want anything serious. I just want a boy who wants to make me laugh & smile; I don’t want to have to put myself on the line. It knocked my self esteem that he could move on so quickly.”
12 October 03
“It’s my birthday & I’ve had such a great night, I feel like my chest’s going to explode cause I’m so happy. I think this has been the best birthday ever! I have friends, I actually have friends!! 25 people all came out to celebrate my birthday :o) ! I’m so happy & just a tiny bit drunk. I think sleeps called for”
There’s heaps & heaps more but these things sticked out a little for some reason. It’s so cool I just realised that I didn’t mention my ex in my diary since the unit sold in October. How cool is that!
I’m thinking about him more now cause I have the divorce papers sitting there looking at me… I can’t sign them for just over another week. It’s a bit exciting. A bit sad too….
Man, I’m blond, have green eyes, florescent white skin & are of all of 4ft 11”, 49kg’s. Yeah, I’m not going to stick out in South America, Africa or the Middle East… Whatever! Shit, I really hope I’m not kidding myself here. I realised this before & I’m pretty sure I can do it, adopt the whole don’t fuck with me attitude, but right now I’m kinda wishing I didn’t have quite so much time to think about it…
Maybe I should really, really, really look into doing some kind of self-defence course…
I’m sitting here wishing I had someone to share how I’m feeling with. As much as I don’t want a partner/boyfriend or the complications that go with it, it’d be nice to have someone to off load to. That you don’t feel like you have to justify your feelings too. That you can just say this is what you’re feeling right now. That it’s going to change in 5 minutes, hell, probably in 5 second but someone to just to accept it. That all that’s needed is support & maybe a big hug.
Maybe that’s why I’ve gotten so addicted to writing in my blog…
I was going to go and meet up with Eve & Adam for drinks but there’re not in the city & I’m not really in the mood at the moment. Even though it’s probably what I need…
I just grabbed my conventional diary & the last time I wrote in it was on the 1.01.2004 at 11.59pm. Some of my new years resolution were/are:
1. To be happy!!!!!!
2. To travel
3. To not let people or things get to me
4. To have fun!!!!
5. No stress
6. Stay single
7. Don’t miss opportunities
I’ve just been reading through my diary (for the last hour…). It’s interesting some of the things you read. I started it in March last year, a week after my ex & I split. It’s funny how when you read your entries you can feel the emotions… These are some things that stuck out for me that show me how far I’ve actually come in the last year:
10 March 03
“Well, it’s been ages since I’ve written in a diary, it’s only when things go bad & there’s to much to cope with that it helps to write it all down.”
“Last Sunday we decided to take a break form each other – well, I should say I suggested it & he was happy to go along with it”
“I don’t really like the person I’ve turned into, I feel like I’m in my 40’s & that I’m this huge nag.”
“He said that he loves me but that he’s not in love with me, I can relate to that. I really miss him at the moment but at the same time it’s just easier to look after me.”
17 March 03
“I asked him what he wanted to do. He replied separate. I asked if 6 years doesn’t count… I asked him what I’d done & why he wouldn’t try & he said ‘how can I try at something I’ve already given up on’…”
*It still makes me angry. I don’t what to be with him, at all, but how can someone give up on a marriage so easily… you’re married for goodness sake, it’s not just a boyfriend / girlfriend thing... I still have issues with it.
“…I got up & made for the front door & asked if I could give him a hug. I did & pulled away then he pulled me back & hugged me again, then I kissed him & told him I loved him. I do love him but he’s made his choice, I broke down when he left, I practically crumbled.”
“In some ways I’m relieved that it’s over, it’s easier but it still really hurts.”
13 May 03
“I can say we won’t be getting back together”
“I’ve moved into a studio apartment across the road form work. I’m loving it! I was thinking in the spa tonight that everything seems surreal & I feel numb.”
Mid April “he said that he’s moved on with his life & that grille is now in it. I suppose I really don’t know how to feel”
30 June 03
“Who am I? I’ve realised that under all of my insecurities that I’m a pretty confidant person, I’m a great friend & conversationalist, I’m bubbly & friendly & full of life!”
“I think that I’ve forgiven him. It’s not up to me to stand in judgement of what’s happened between us and it’s not doing me any good to hold on to those feelings, I think that I’ve also forgiven myself.”
“You’re friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime”
4 August 03
“I really think that when you have love in your life, regardless if it’s family or a relationship, you do take it for granted. I think that I did. But now I find myself wondering if it was ever real anyway. I don’t think that I even knew the man that I was married to. That in it’s self is pretty devastating, I spose I just have to keep reminding myself that it was real & that things happen for a reason. ”
6 August 03
“I don’t want him, but it’s just not fair that he’s got someone and I don’t… I don’t want anything serious. I just want a boy who wants to make me laugh & smile; I don’t want to have to put myself on the line. It knocked my self esteem that he could move on so quickly.”
12 October 03
“It’s my birthday & I’ve had such a great night, I feel like my chest’s going to explode cause I’m so happy. I think this has been the best birthday ever! I have friends, I actually have friends!! 25 people all came out to celebrate my birthday :o) ! I’m so happy & just a tiny bit drunk. I think sleeps called for”
There’s heaps & heaps more but these things sticked out a little for some reason. It’s so cool I just realised that I didn’t mention my ex in my diary since the unit sold in October. How cool is that!
I’m thinking about him more now cause I have the divorce papers sitting there looking at me… I can’t sign them for just over another week. It’s a bit exciting. A bit sad too….
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