How lucky am I!
I've just been looking through all my photos at all the places I've been & it's reminded me of all the things that I've seen & done & of all the wonderful people I've met, it's really overwhelming. The last 6 months have just flown by. I've experienced so much yet there is so much more out there to see & to do…
Life is to live, its way to short to be stuck doing things you don't want to do because you think you should be doing them. I look back at the years gone by & think how much I tried to fit in by trying to be & do things that just weren't me. I look at the years I spent with my ex & I still find myself wondering what was real & what wasn't…. I know for a while there I turned into someone I didn't like & I still can't put my finger on where it was I went wrong & when I started to change. I just know that by the end I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy. If I didn't like who I was, how could my ex?
The question "Am I me now?" has just popped into my head. The answer honestly is "I don't know". I think that to many different people I'm many different things & that at the moment while I'm traveling there are no expectations placed on me by anyone I meet. Truthfully I really don't care that much anymore what people think of me & I really hope it stays that way. I'm probably the closest to been me that I ever will be… One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to slide back into the mind numbingness that is everyday life & loose myself again. See, to me that whole last sentence sounds pathetic… but it’s a very real fear.
For the last 6 months I've had no responsibilities, no expectations, just me to look after & that’s it. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship but I'm sick of been by myself. I have this huge conflict within myself… Part of me is just dying to stop moving & start living again. At times I feel like I've put my life on hold by traveling, even though it's something that I love. The other part of me, the part that's scared of commitment (of any kind) just wants to keep moving. Stop v's keep moving. I need to earn some money so I can keep traveling so the decision is kinda made for me. I don't think the money I have left would last me very long traveling through Europe… Plus I'm tired, so very, very tired. I'm exhausted, I know it is time to stop for a while.
I don’t' really know how to articulate what I'm feeling at the moment. When I left I just knew that I wanted to travel. Everyone said to me "you're going to find yourself" etc which I thought was a bit stupid but I thought maybe I'd figure out what it was that I was passionate about in life at least. 6 months in & still nothing… I know that I'm a much more relaxed, patient & easy going person now & it takes quite a bit for things to wind me up but I still don't feel like I have a passion, a outlet, something that makes me feel complete, even if only for the time I'm doing it. I really envy people that have something to be passionate about – even if it is only a football team. I think I'm just talking crap now. Time for sleep now.
Helen left this morning. It's really nice to be on my own again, although I did hook up with a group of ozzies for sight seeing today :o)
Oh & I think I'm going to get my tounge pierced tomorrow… It's something I've wanted to do for a while & I figured out that I've got at least 5 days for it to recover before going to the uk & I probably won't get another chance for a while… It's a bit exciting!!!!
Istanbul – Turkey, 19th September 2004, 11.05pm xoxox I've just been looking through all my photos at all the places I've been & it's reminded me of all the things that I've seen & done & of all the wonderful people I've met, it's really overwhelming. The last 6 months have just flown by. I've experienced so much yet there is so much more out there to see & to do…
Life is to live, its way to short to be stuck doing things you don't want to do because you think you should be doing them. I look back at the years gone by & think how much I tried to fit in by trying to be & do things that just weren't me. I look at the years I spent with my ex & I still find myself wondering what was real & what wasn't…. I know for a while there I turned into someone I didn't like & I still can't put my finger on where it was I went wrong & when I started to change. I just know that by the end I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy. If I didn't like who I was, how could my ex?
The question "Am I me now?" has just popped into my head. The answer honestly is "I don't know". I think that to many different people I'm many different things & that at the moment while I'm traveling there are no expectations placed on me by anyone I meet. Truthfully I really don't care that much anymore what people think of me & I really hope it stays that way. I'm probably the closest to been me that I ever will be… One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to slide back into the mind numbingness that is everyday life & loose myself again. See, to me that whole last sentence sounds pathetic… but it’s a very real fear.
For the last 6 months I've had no responsibilities, no expectations, just me to look after & that’s it. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship but I'm sick of been by myself. I have this huge conflict within myself… Part of me is just dying to stop moving & start living again. At times I feel like I've put my life on hold by traveling, even though it's something that I love. The other part of me, the part that's scared of commitment (of any kind) just wants to keep moving. Stop v's keep moving. I need to earn some money so I can keep traveling so the decision is kinda made for me. I don't think the money I have left would last me very long traveling through Europe… Plus I'm tired, so very, very tired. I'm exhausted, I know it is time to stop for a while.
I don’t' really know how to articulate what I'm feeling at the moment. When I left I just knew that I wanted to travel. Everyone said to me "you're going to find yourself" etc which I thought was a bit stupid but I thought maybe I'd figure out what it was that I was passionate about in life at least. 6 months in & still nothing… I know that I'm a much more relaxed, patient & easy going person now & it takes quite a bit for things to wind me up but I still don't feel like I have a passion, a outlet, something that makes me feel complete, even if only for the time I'm doing it. I really envy people that have something to be passionate about – even if it is only a football team. I think I'm just talking crap now. Time for sleep now.
Helen left this morning. It's really nice to be on my own again, although I did hook up with a group of ozzies for sight seeing today :o)
Oh & I think I'm going to get my tounge pierced tomorrow… It's something I've wanted to do for a while & I figured out that I've got at least 5 days for it to recover before going to the uk & I probably won't get another chance for a while… It's a bit exciting!!!!
Istanbul – Turkey, 19th September 2004, 11.05pm xoxox
Life is to live, its way to short to be stuck doing things you don't want to do because you think you should be doing them. I look back at the years gone by & think how much I tried to fit in by trying to be & do things that just weren't me. I look at the years I spent with my ex & I still find myself wondering what was real & what wasn't…. I know for a while there I turned into someone I didn't like & I still can't put my finger on where it was I went wrong & when I started to change. I just know that by the end I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy. If I didn't like who I was, how could my ex?
The question "Am I me now?" has just popped into my head. The answer honestly is "I don't know". I think that to many different people I'm many different things & that at the moment while I'm traveling there are no expectations placed on me by anyone I meet. Truthfully I really don't care that much anymore what people think of me & I really hope it stays that way. I'm probably the closest to been me that I ever will be… One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to slide back into the mind numbingness that is everyday life & loose myself again. See, to me that whole last sentence sounds pathetic… but it’s a very real fear.
For the last 6 months I've had no responsibilities, no expectations, just me to look after & that’s it. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship but I'm sick of been by myself. I have this huge conflict within myself… Part of me is just dying to stop moving & start living again. At times I feel like I've put my life on hold by traveling, even though it's something that I love. The other part of me, the part that's scared of commitment (of any kind) just wants to keep moving. Stop v's keep moving. I need to earn some money so I can keep traveling so the decision is kinda made for me. I don't think the money I have left would last me very long traveling through Europe… Plus I'm tired, so very, very tired. I'm exhausted, I know it is time to stop for a while.
I don’t' really know how to articulate what I'm feeling at the moment. When I left I just knew that I wanted to travel. Everyone said to me "you're going to find yourself" etc which I thought was a bit stupid but I thought maybe I'd figure out what it was that I was passionate about in life at least. 6 months in & still nothing… I know that I'm a much more relaxed, patient & easy going person now & it takes quite a bit for things to wind me up but I still don't feel like I have a passion, a outlet, something that makes me feel complete, even if only for the time I'm doing it. I really envy people that have something to be passionate about – even if it is only a football team. I think I'm just talking crap now. Time for sleep now.
Helen left this morning. It's really nice to be on my own again, although I did hook up with a group of ozzies for sight seeing today :o)
Oh & I think I'm going to get my tounge pierced tomorrow… It's something I've wanted to do for a while & I figured out that I've got at least 5 days for it to recover before going to the uk & I probably won't get another chance for a while… It's a bit exciting!!!!
Istanbul – Turkey, 19th September 2004, 11.05pm xoxox I've just been looking through all my photos at all the places I've been & it's reminded me of all the things that I've seen & done & of all the wonderful people I've met, it's really overwhelming. The last 6 months have just flown by. I've experienced so much yet there is so much more out there to see & to do…
Life is to live, its way to short to be stuck doing things you don't want to do because you think you should be doing them. I look back at the years gone by & think how much I tried to fit in by trying to be & do things that just weren't me. I look at the years I spent with my ex & I still find myself wondering what was real & what wasn't…. I know for a while there I turned into someone I didn't like & I still can't put my finger on where it was I went wrong & when I started to change. I just know that by the end I wasn't me anymore. I wasn't happy. If I didn't like who I was, how could my ex?
The question "Am I me now?" has just popped into my head. The answer honestly is "I don't know". I think that to many different people I'm many different things & that at the moment while I'm traveling there are no expectations placed on me by anyone I meet. Truthfully I really don't care that much anymore what people think of me & I really hope it stays that way. I'm probably the closest to been me that I ever will be… One of my biggest fears is that I'm going to slide back into the mind numbingness that is everyday life & loose myself again. See, to me that whole last sentence sounds pathetic… but it’s a very real fear.
For the last 6 months I've had no responsibilities, no expectations, just me to look after & that’s it. I'm afraid of getting into a relationship but I'm sick of been by myself. I have this huge conflict within myself… Part of me is just dying to stop moving & start living again. At times I feel like I've put my life on hold by traveling, even though it's something that I love. The other part of me, the part that's scared of commitment (of any kind) just wants to keep moving. Stop v's keep moving. I need to earn some money so I can keep traveling so the decision is kinda made for me. I don't think the money I have left would last me very long traveling through Europe… Plus I'm tired, so very, very tired. I'm exhausted, I know it is time to stop for a while.
I don’t' really know how to articulate what I'm feeling at the moment. When I left I just knew that I wanted to travel. Everyone said to me "you're going to find yourself" etc which I thought was a bit stupid but I thought maybe I'd figure out what it was that I was passionate about in life at least. 6 months in & still nothing… I know that I'm a much more relaxed, patient & easy going person now & it takes quite a bit for things to wind me up but I still don't feel like I have a passion, a outlet, something that makes me feel complete, even if only for the time I'm doing it. I really envy people that have something to be passionate about – even if it is only a football team. I think I'm just talking crap now. Time for sleep now.
Helen left this morning. It's really nice to be on my own again, although I did hook up with a group of ozzies for sight seeing today :o)
Oh & I think I'm going to get my tounge pierced tomorrow… It's something I've wanted to do for a while & I figured out that I've got at least 5 days for it to recover before going to the uk & I probably won't get another chance for a while… It's a bit exciting!!!!
Istanbul – Turkey, 19th September 2004, 11.05pm xoxox
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