I should be sleeping.
Wrote this last night but forgot to publish it...
Just had a quick chat with mum on messenger & was like, "I have to go to sleep now so bye" but now I've decided I want to write something. I'm just not sure where to start. The last few nights I haven't slept very well (I didn't get to sleep till 4.30am last night, sorry, this morning), I could attribute this to been sick but it's more so that my brain seems to have started back up & is constantly ticking over again. I haven't really had to deal with this part of my personality for the last 7 months & now that I've stopped in one place for a bit it seems to have kicked in full swing. Must admit, I'm not a fan going to have to figure out how to switch off.
Mum & I have been talking about going in to business when I get back & this is on my mind a fair bit including that I have to make decisions about the remainder of my travels & when I'm going to get home etc & then the boy thing takes up a fair amount of the clutter that is known as the thoughts in my head. I don't know why cause either way I could take or leave any of them... That sounds really harsh but I know that I'm still way to protective of myself & I don't really want to fall for anyone... I think I actually like the distraction of thinking & day dreaming about them... That sounds bad doesn't it "them". We all know I'm lusting over Joel (oh & Monkey cool to get your comment - I love comments! The logical side of me knows you're right - if he wanted to contact me he would... But then again, as my friend Eve said "why look at the pic's when he can have the real thing? hehehe), then Surfer's boy has been on my mind a fair bit as I mentioned yesterday, & there's Simon who I met in Istanbul & Jordan who I met in Portugal (the one who was part of my most embarrassing moment ever). If nothing else I'm friends & will keep in touch with all of them, except Joel, he may just have been a holiday/travel thing which I'm cool with too.
Talking of boys & things, I got a email form Claudia the other day & she said that my ex had sent her a email reminding her that it was my birthday... But I didn't get one form him, truth be told I was actually a little surprised I didn't hear form him - don't know why. For his birthday I sent him a email, it was around the time the divorce was been finalized so we were kinda in contact, I thought after 7 years of knowing him I couldn't not wish him happy birthday. Anyway, my ex said to Claudia that he couldn't email me cause his girl friend would get the shits - I hate that expression! Even though I use it now too :) See to be that insecure in your relationship - especially when I'm over half the world away & consequently have no interest in my ex at all - would really suck. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I do wish them luck. I'm wondering if that's why she (his girlfriend) sent me the last email about the baby & the house... As a way of... Oh, I don't know, I really don't care.
I think that something else that's on my mind is the similarities between my bosses marriage falling apart & mine. Don't get me wrong, in comparison I think I had it easy (ha!). But they have 3 great teenagers & a business that demands a lot form them but 1 - a husband who's not willing to take responsibility, 2 - feeling of been taken for granted, 3 - not feeling alive, 4 - She (who I support) has a really, really strong friendship with someone of the opposite sex & I know 100% that they are only friends.
This is when the thought process comes into it though & I think I've been trying not to think about it. People are allowed to have friends & I never would have dreamed of telling my ex that he couldn't choose his own friends. As already mentioned my boss put this to his wife & their friend & that's when things hit the fan. Thing is, there really is nothing more than a friendship there. I don't actually know what it is that I'm wanting to say. If I'd said to my ex that I didn't want him hanging out with (his now girlfriend) how would my life be different? I'd be a jealous insecure person that just isn't me. No one is worth not trusting. Does that make sense? In my opinion a relationship is not worth having if there is no trust. There's that saying 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was'. Don't agree with the last bit but the rest of it is pretty spot on. You are worth so much more than sinking to jealously, wondering what they're doing & who they're with. If they don't want to be with you then it's their loss anyway, people just need to be honest. Why is that so hard? Rhetorical question - I think it's cause most of the time its really hard to decide what you want. What's real & what's not.... Yep, all good in theory :o) As everyone has, I've been through the whole what's wrong with me depression thing & my confidence has taken a battering & no doubt I'll go through it again at some stage. Although I'm hoping by the time I'm 30 I'll have life sussed (shit only 2 years to go... might be a bit of a tough one). Spose it's just life.
I really am tired. Don't know if any of that makes sense... Work today wasn't to bad, I'm still not 100% but managed to pull through ok.
Need sleep. xox
Same place as yesterday, England, Saturday 23rd October 1.21am 2004
Just had a quick chat with mum on messenger & was like, "I have to go to sleep now so bye" but now I've decided I want to write something. I'm just not sure where to start. The last few nights I haven't slept very well (I didn't get to sleep till 4.30am last night, sorry, this morning), I could attribute this to been sick but it's more so that my brain seems to have started back up & is constantly ticking over again. I haven't really had to deal with this part of my personality for the last 7 months & now that I've stopped in one place for a bit it seems to have kicked in full swing. Must admit, I'm not a fan going to have to figure out how to switch off.
Mum & I have been talking about going in to business when I get back & this is on my mind a fair bit including that I have to make decisions about the remainder of my travels & when I'm going to get home etc & then the boy thing takes up a fair amount of the clutter that is known as the thoughts in my head. I don't know why cause either way I could take or leave any of them... That sounds really harsh but I know that I'm still way to protective of myself & I don't really want to fall for anyone... I think I actually like the distraction of thinking & day dreaming about them... That sounds bad doesn't it "them". We all know I'm lusting over Joel (oh & Monkey cool to get your comment - I love comments! The logical side of me knows you're right - if he wanted to contact me he would... But then again, as my friend Eve said "why look at the pic's when he can have the real thing? hehehe), then Surfer's boy has been on my mind a fair bit as I mentioned yesterday, & there's Simon who I met in Istanbul & Jordan who I met in Portugal (the one who was part of my most embarrassing moment ever). If nothing else I'm friends & will keep in touch with all of them, except Joel, he may just have been a holiday/travel thing which I'm cool with too.
Talking of boys & things, I got a email form Claudia the other day & she said that my ex had sent her a email reminding her that it was my birthday... But I didn't get one form him, truth be told I was actually a little surprised I didn't hear form him - don't know why. For his birthday I sent him a email, it was around the time the divorce was been finalized so we were kinda in contact, I thought after 7 years of knowing him I couldn't not wish him happy birthday. Anyway, my ex said to Claudia that he couldn't email me cause his girl friend would get the shits - I hate that expression! Even though I use it now too :) See to be that insecure in your relationship - especially when I'm over half the world away & consequently have no interest in my ex at all - would really suck. I've said it before & I'll say it again, I do wish them luck. I'm wondering if that's why she (his girlfriend) sent me the last email about the baby & the house... As a way of... Oh, I don't know, I really don't care.
I think that something else that's on my mind is the similarities between my bosses marriage falling apart & mine. Don't get me wrong, in comparison I think I had it easy (ha!). But they have 3 great teenagers & a business that demands a lot form them but 1 - a husband who's not willing to take responsibility, 2 - feeling of been taken for granted, 3 - not feeling alive, 4 - She (who I support) has a really, really strong friendship with someone of the opposite sex & I know 100% that they are only friends.
This is when the thought process comes into it though & I think I've been trying not to think about it. People are allowed to have friends & I never would have dreamed of telling my ex that he couldn't choose his own friends. As already mentioned my boss put this to his wife & their friend & that's when things hit the fan. Thing is, there really is nothing more than a friendship there. I don't actually know what it is that I'm wanting to say. If I'd said to my ex that I didn't want him hanging out with (his now girlfriend) how would my life be different? I'd be a jealous insecure person that just isn't me. No one is worth not trusting. Does that make sense? In my opinion a relationship is not worth having if there is no trust. There's that saying 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was'. Don't agree with the last bit but the rest of it is pretty spot on. You are worth so much more than sinking to jealously, wondering what they're doing & who they're with. If they don't want to be with you then it's their loss anyway, people just need to be honest. Why is that so hard? Rhetorical question - I think it's cause most of the time its really hard to decide what you want. What's real & what's not.... Yep, all good in theory :o) As everyone has, I've been through the whole what's wrong with me depression thing & my confidence has taken a battering & no doubt I'll go through it again at some stage. Although I'm hoping by the time I'm 30 I'll have life sussed (shit only 2 years to go... might be a bit of a tough one). Spose it's just life.
I really am tired. Don't know if any of that makes sense... Work today wasn't to bad, I'm still not 100% but managed to pull through ok.
Need sleep. xox
Same place as yesterday, England, Saturday 23rd October 1.21am 2004
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