"Through good times & bad..."
This is harder than I thought... Last night was the wedding rehearsal, I was so hyped & excited, Saturday is going to be perfect & I really can't wait. But in the car on the way home they were practicing their vows for me & it got me thinking about the vows I'd taken... They didn't mean anything did they... We didn't even last more than 2 years. That's so crap! How long is it going to take me to get over this dam marriage?!
The more I think about it the more I realize that I am worried about seeing my ex at the wedding on Saturday. No matter how much I minimize it. My biggest concern is that he's going to ingnore me & make me & all of our friends uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I'm over my ex, I just hope that I'm not kidding myself, I don't trust myself anymore. I'm afraid that when I see him all these feelings are going to come up to the surface... I really am sure that I've dealt with how I feel about my ex, I KNOW that I don't want him back. When I think about him I don't really feel anything anymore... I do know that I'm not over my marriage though. I was brought up that marriage is for life. We gave it a piss poor effort & it only lasts a few years... There's guilt, anger, resentment & sadness... a lot of sadness... I think I'm over the guilt & resentment but think that I'm still a little angry & still quite sad.
It really doesn't make sense, that I'm thinking about my ex so much at the moment, I really don't like it! I've said it before, I'm the happiest I've been in years at the moment, I'm doing what I want to do & living my life how I want to. Even if you could wave a magic wand, I probably wouldn't change a thing that's happened in the last year. Sure I kinda feel like I've failed one of life's big tests but I've also learnt a lot about myself in the process. I don't think I've admitted before that I've failed... I think that in my twisted little mind I've blamed him, I suggested counseling & he said no, which meant it was his fault our marriage didn't succeeding, where as really it let me off the hook. It takes 2 people in a marriage....
I have no desire whatsoever to still be married to my ex but "till death do us part is a pretty huge promise". How are you supposed to deal with not honoring it? It's been over a year since we've separated & I still have issues.... 6 years of my life was committed to that relationship...
Nothing to exciting to report on, haven't heard form any of the boys. Probably a good thing. I woke up this morning & I've got a cold & my nose won't stop running - not impressed!!
We went to pick up the bridesmaid dresses on Tuesday & the lady had completely fucked them up. I was so angry with her!!! We wanted straps put on the dresses & she'd sewn through the front of the dress & put these disgusting little beads on them, that looked like nipples, it was so bad! It didn't even fixed the problem of the dresses gaping at the front. Anyway we didn't trust her to fix them as it would have been her third go. So mum & I have had a go at fixing them & they look pretty good now. We've taken the glass beads off & replaced them with dominates & instead of one bead under each strap, looking like a big cover up, there's now 6 dominates across the front/top of the dress. Looking like they're supposed to be there. All that stupid lady needed to do was tack the straps at the top of the dress - no big deal, you'd think a seamstress would be able to do something that simple - man some people are thick!
Problem solved & the wedding's going to be perfect!!!
The more I think about it the more I realize that I am worried about seeing my ex at the wedding on Saturday. No matter how much I minimize it. My biggest concern is that he's going to ingnore me & make me & all of our friends uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure I'm over my ex, I just hope that I'm not kidding myself, I don't trust myself anymore. I'm afraid that when I see him all these feelings are going to come up to the surface... I really am sure that I've dealt with how I feel about my ex, I KNOW that I don't want him back. When I think about him I don't really feel anything anymore... I do know that I'm not over my marriage though. I was brought up that marriage is for life. We gave it a piss poor effort & it only lasts a few years... There's guilt, anger, resentment & sadness... a lot of sadness... I think I'm over the guilt & resentment but think that I'm still a little angry & still quite sad.
It really doesn't make sense, that I'm thinking about my ex so much at the moment, I really don't like it! I've said it before, I'm the happiest I've been in years at the moment, I'm doing what I want to do & living my life how I want to. Even if you could wave a magic wand, I probably wouldn't change a thing that's happened in the last year. Sure I kinda feel like I've failed one of life's big tests but I've also learnt a lot about myself in the process. I don't think I've admitted before that I've failed... I think that in my twisted little mind I've blamed him, I suggested counseling & he said no, which meant it was his fault our marriage didn't succeeding, where as really it let me off the hook. It takes 2 people in a marriage....
I have no desire whatsoever to still be married to my ex but "till death do us part is a pretty huge promise". How are you supposed to deal with not honoring it? It's been over a year since we've separated & I still have issues.... 6 years of my life was committed to that relationship...
Nothing to exciting to report on, haven't heard form any of the boys. Probably a good thing. I woke up this morning & I've got a cold & my nose won't stop running - not impressed!!
We went to pick up the bridesmaid dresses on Tuesday & the lady had completely fucked them up. I was so angry with her!!! We wanted straps put on the dresses & she'd sewn through the front of the dress & put these disgusting little beads on them, that looked like nipples, it was so bad! It didn't even fixed the problem of the dresses gaping at the front. Anyway we didn't trust her to fix them as it would have been her third go. So mum & I have had a go at fixing them & they look pretty good now. We've taken the glass beads off & replaced them with dominates & instead of one bead under each strap, looking like a big cover up, there's now 6 dominates across the front/top of the dress. Looking like they're supposed to be there. All that stupid lady needed to do was tack the straps at the top of the dress - no big deal, you'd think a seamstress would be able to do something that simple - man some people are thick!
Problem solved & the wedding's going to be perfect!!!
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